Because it's what others aren't saying...

It's Halloween and we are trick-or-treating with a child for the first time this year. See, last year, we had a 2 week old and were not even close to braving the streets or even putting her in a costume. I wasn't really even sure if I could walk to the end of the driveway by myself.

*This is not standard for all new moms. But for some reason, I was a worry wort, a scared Susie and a nervous Nelly.*

Tonight, however, my little bumble bee is going to join forces with her best friend bumble bee and they are going to swarm the neighborhood! It is likely, that said bumble bees will not get to enjoy much of their loot, but I believe it will still be a fun experience for them nonetheless.

Back in July, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. Which means my thyroid is under active and therefore I have been having trouble losing the last of my baby weight, have been exhausted and a few other lovely symptoms. I have been on medication since July and I don't seem to be feeling any different. I have still have not been able to lose weight and I have the constant feeling of being bloated (*think first trimester of pregnancy, before you start to show when your clothes just don't fit right and feel very uncomfortable).

I am currently visiting a few doctors to try to get things regulated and I'm hopeful that in the very near future I will start to feel better.

My first thought about this is that I never thought I would be diagnosed with something I would have to address for the rest of my life before I turn 30! Then, it makes sense why I haven't been able to lose these last few pounds of baby weight.

But then....I really try to put the whole weight and thinness thing away. I know my struggles through the years and some of that is natural, but I don't want to pass any unnecessary weight or body image issue to my sweet girl. And! I want to be okay with myself. I don't want my shape or weight to define me. There are so many more important things in life than getting caught up in these things. Still, you can't help how you feel, right? So this is my battle. It is like a cul-de-sac that I keep going around. I have moments when I can get past these thoughts, and then there are those moments when I just feel so self-defeating. I hate those moments. They are not helpful. Because the truth is, I walk at least 30 minutes every day, I drink lots of water and eat healthy foods. Sure, I indulge in small treats, but I do not gorge myself. I do not eat fast food, fried foods or tons of sugar. I enjoy an alcoholic beverage, but not in excess.

I do not have time to kill it at the gym. I just won't let that become the priority over my daughter. I do what I can and take pretty good care of myself. Why should I beat myself up for the things I can not control? And why should I find my value in the number on my scale or the size of my jeans?
I am defined by so much more! I am a mother, a wife, a Christ follower and so much more. I am good at many things and I am so much more than my clothes or my size. My baby girl is so special and she and my husband alone are more than enough to fill the places of my mind that get boggled down by my preoccupation with my size. They are the most important, but there are also many other facets of my life that are special to me.

But, here's the catch. Even though I am stating the truth and putting it all out there, I often have trouble believing these truths.

But as I sit here, I vow to believe it. I will likely come back to this place over and over in the course of my life and my prayer is that health becomes much more of a priority in my mind than size. I pray that size loses its luster and that the other, much more important things of life take up the fore front of my mind.

Thanks for reading. And if you're the praying type, pray that I can be the Mother worthy of Emmy's love, the wife worthy of my husband's devotion, and that I can ignore these unhelpful, unlovely thoughts about myself and in their place that I can and will believe the things that are actually true of myself.

I'm delinquent

When it comes to posting on this blog...I am waaay past due for an update. Remember when I was posting sometimes twice in one week?! Yeah, I would love to get back to that. I'd still like to think that my little corner of the internet has the potential to grab the hand of some new Mom (or Dad), somewhere and make a difference.

I'll never be a Jen Hatmaker or anyone who gets passed around social media, but I'm fine with that. If I can just let one Mom know that she is not alone in what she's going through, then I would be completely satisfied.

So here we are.....with an almost 1 year old! She is 2 weeks away from her 1st birthday and I can not believe it. People told me it would fly by but I didn't fully understand. Now, I have this vision of her being 1 and then 12! It is crazy! I know the first 6 months were rough for us, but I swear the last 6 months have FLOWN! We have had so much fun watching her learn to roll over, crawl, pull up and now walk! I looked at her last night and tried to hold her like I would have when she was a newborn and she didn't even fit. I looked at my husband and said, "We don't have a baby anymore."

Most nights are sleep through the night nights and I could not be more thankful. I am a person who very much values sleep....I could sleep all day and not feel like I had enough sleep. So this sleeping through the night stuff....SO important.

We survived Roseola virus and our first real fever. It was 4 days of 101 temps and a suuuper cranky little girl. She barely ate and didn't know if she wanted to be held or wanted to be put down. It was so trying on all of us. To add insult to injury, this was the weekend of the TN/FL game (a big rivalry in our house)...which TN (my team) lost to FL, which has happened the entire length of mine and my husband's relationship (9 years now). Ugh.

Buggy boo (we sometimes call her), is walking pretty well. We have spills every once in a while, but walking is the main mode of transportation around the house. She has started trying to feed herself with a spoon (messy times). She has started mimicking us when we say things (think "uh oh" and "bye bye"). I am so proud to call her mine. I am proud to be her Momma and I'm so thankful she is in my life.

Sure, this first year has been trying, an utter complete adjustment, and other years will be too. But I'm so excited to watch her keep growing. As of now I'm still staying home with her and I'm so thankful I've had a year to do so. There were times when I thought I might go crazy, but I've found outlets for that craziness and I have friends who keep me sane.

What a year.....what changes! I'm so grateful for my sweet Buggy, my smart Lovie, my strong-willed and opinionated Amelia Rose. May I continue to be refined and made better by her.