Even though it has been 5 months.....and so much has happened in those 5 months, I still find myself coming up empty in moments like these. They tend to be happening more frequently these past couple weeks.
Maybe it's because I would have been feeling those little tiny kicks for months, maybe it's the room we would have been preparing, maybe it's the closing of those 9 months. Maybe it's because my sweet baby would have been joining us soon. Maybe it is because for whatever reason, many around me (for no fault of their own) are blessed with second pregnancies free of complication and yet I had this huge loss.
I know I am not alone and I don't wish this upon anyone, but it simply leaves me asking "why?". I know there are many unanswered questions in this life and this sure is one of them.
It is not to take away from anyone's miracle of carrying a baby or giving birth (it really is a miracle when you realize how fragile that little life can be), believe me when I say that I am truly happy for each one of you. I do not want to take away from someone else's happiness, and I REALLY am happy for you, but it does not make my hurt less. They are just different emotions. Emotions I am still ill-equipped to handle at certain moments.
But I DO know the happiness of a healthy pregnancy and delivery and for that I am eternally grateful AND I can whole-heartedly say that I celebrate with each addition to sweet families.
I know somehow this experience will equip me for another purpose in this life and I pray that it is useful in helping others.
Thank you to all of you who have shared this journey with me. You have helped more than you know.
