Are you breastfeeding?

What a loaded question! No matter how it is asked, it can carry such heavy implications that a Mommy could feel incredibly judged. A few interpretations of this question go a little like this in a Mommy's head:

"My baby is a year old, are they asking if I am STILL breastfeeding? As in should I be done?
Did you choose to NOT give your baby what doctors say is the best food for them?
Did I try everything I could to make breastfeeding work for me or did I give up too easily?
Why am I feeling convicted in some way by this question?"

It's just so loaded. Maybe it's because it is such a heated topic and many people feel very strongly one way or another. Throughout my roller coaster ride with breastfeeding, I found I would get a myriad of responses and "encouragements." The most valuable things I was told were sometimes from the least likely of sources. I received sweet messages telling me that I was doing everything I could for my baby and was encouraged to know that many times one has exhausted all resources or gone as far as they can go in this breastfeeding quest. Of course everyone has different thresholds and I believe mine was very high. My bff told me on multiple occasions that she admired me for persevering through the obstacles we faced with nursing and I now believe that she was right.

It took me a while to understand that I am one persistent woman! I fought tooth and nail for baby girl to nurse and I was determined to do it until she was at least 1 year old. Come to find out, she had a different opinion on the matter. Now, being on the other side of it all, I know I have done what is right for my sweet girl. She is much happier, and so am I. There is much less stress revolving around feeding times and she is growing well.

She is now eating bananas, sweet potatoes, oatmeal and has tried avocado. In all the trials, I still come to the same conclusion (and everyone told me this): every baby is different. I didn't truly understand it at first, I just felt like it was one of those phrases that every one just says. But it is true! In all things: eating, sleeping, playing, interacting. Sure, they can have similar tastes and reach milestones at similar times, but they sure are unique. And you know, I am thankful for her uniqueness. We never wanted her to be just like every one else. She is our dear one, after all and we want her to stand out as her own person.....just as she does!

Cry it out?

May I start off this post by stating that I do not believe any one parenting style is superior to any other.

In my opinion, there are babies who can cry it out and ones who can't. In that same token, I think there are parents who can let their babies cry it out and those who can't. I also have found that some babies respond to different things a different stages in their lives.

In my limited knowledge of what babies do and prior to having one of my own, I thought the labor and delivery of having a baby would be the most difficult part, that we would bring her home and that she would respond to me. I thought I would be able to solve all problems, that just my voice or my touch would calm her. Little did I understand that she would have a mind of her own and that sometimes that mind would make up for herself what she needs and what she doesn't need.

So, when she was a newborn, I thought she needed to cry it out in order to go through whatever it was she needed to go through. Yet, we found out really quickly that she would not be crying it out, but rather would work herself up to a sweaty, irate mess. So we stopped letting her cry and began to help her soothe when she was upset.

As many of you have read, we then began having sleep problems....for 3 MONTHS!!

All of a sudden, about a week and a half ago, she would wake up and play and fuss a little...not cry. Sometimes there would be an outburst here and there but a lot of times there would just be "talking" or fussing. One night she rolled around in her crib talk-fussing and we decided to see what would happen. She did this for about 30 minutes and then went back to sleep! So we started trying that a little more often and sometimes it actually works! I believe this is our level of "cry it out" and it hasn't always been a capability for our little one.

So I am of the mind that you can have a cry it out baby at one stage and not at another. For example, this morning at 6, she was actively crying for 10 minutes with no intermission of fussing or talking, so I got her out of her crib and put her in bed with me. We slept for another hour and 15 minutes. I don't think she would have gone back to sleep on her own and she was not ready to get up for the day. At 7:30, she was and we started our day.

All this to say, if you're frustrated by others supporting one way or another and thinking your baby should be able to do "this", you simply (which is never really simple) must follow what your baby will tolerate. I do believe we will have to break some things/habits eventually because we have one strong-willed child...but you can not reason with a newborn or infant and sometimes you need to do what you need to do to get by.

{I'm happy to report that our sleep has improved slightly and we are hopeful that we will continue on this path at least for a little bit - although we are in the midst of the teething battle and are experiencing some extra fussiness and crying than usual.}

Be encouraged, dear friends who experience sleep troubles. I am a pessimist who sometimes has trouble seeing the light, but I am here to tell you that there will be light!

How did we get here?

When baby girl was a newborn, I could not imagine how people went anywhere with their babies. Being able to go to the store or shopping or to events with my baby was the furthest thing from what I thought I was capable of doing.

I am here to tell you that it is possible to leave the house with a baby. It was Christmas time and I was depressed that I was unable to do Christmas shopping in the way I normally get to shop. I could not imagine having the ability to pack up the baby and all her belongings and go out for some Mommy-daughter shopping time. But a few months ago, I did it. Without thinking. I packed up the stroller and the baby and we went to the outlets. We nursed and changed diapers in the car and then walked the outlets. And it was lovely. It made me feel more human than I had felt in months.

If anyone had asked me in December if I would ever go shopping again, I would have answered no and probably teared up, scared I would be trapped in my house for the rest of my life...or at least until my baby was a year old plus.

I think it is all part of that adjustment period (however long that lasts) and I'm sure there will be many more adjustment periods along the way. I am thankful to have some flexibility in getting out. I am also happy to report that we go for walks regularly around the neighborhood.

I hope I can encourage new Moms that even though you don't feel like you can have some freedom from the confines of your houses (and even though you probably won't believe me when I say that I've been in your shoes), that you will find freedom as long as you are willing to go for it. Packing up the diaper bag and all the things you have to tote along with you when a baby is involved will become routine.

Happy exploring with your babies!

Hidden Blessings

It seems it has been one thing after another. I by no means truly intend this blog to become a place of complaining so I am devoting this post to reporting the blessings.

So recently, I was driving with a friend and my baby girl and we were rear ended. Thankfully, we were in a slow moving part of town so the person that hit us was not going very fast. It was terrifying! I jumped out and told the guy that there was a baby in the car and I proceeded to get her out of the car and just hold her for the next couple hours. Everything was fine and I am SO thankful that my baby girl wasn't hurt and that things were not worse.

Yesterday, my husband sent me a text message saying he was waiting on some police officers because he had clipped a parked car pulling out of a parking lot. In the end it wasn't a big deal, the police said they would take care of it and it turned out not to be a big deal. Thankful.

Last week, I was with my parents at their house while my husband traveled for work. I asked my friends and anyone who cared for prayer for all the sleep troubles we have had lately. I felt my prayers were going unheard, we did not get any more sleep and then my parents took turns sleeping in the room with baby girl and I finally got to sleep a little.

I am still holding out that God will hear my cries and will teach my sweet girl to sleep (even if that is 2 years from now), but for now I will be thankful that He keeps reminding me of the blessings I may not see right away.

I know the things that cause us discomfort could be so much worse and I am beyond thankful for a healthy baby, healthy family members (no cancer!), financial stability and an amazing husband who looks out for me all the time!! It by no means lessens the fact that what we are going through is difficult, but it sure does put in to perspective that it could be much more difficult.

Who is Responsible Here?

I have been doing a LOT of reading on sleep for a long time....probably since before baby girl was even born (think possibly up to a year ago). So I have taken it upon myself to make sure I am doing everything I can to make all the circumstances right for optimal sleep for both myself and my husband and for this little bundle. Books, articles, magazines, newsletters, you name it...I've read it.

Yet, we are not sleeping. What am I doing wrong? I've gone over everything in my mind and everything everyone else suggests and could question myself for the rest of my life as to what I could do better to improve the sleep situation.

...BUT!

I am NOT the one responsible here! I have to believe that I have done everything I can to create the best environment for healthy sleep for all. It doesn't matter what other people suggest, we have tried everything we think is best and it just doesn't matter. We are taking care of our baby girl and she is not hungry, not dirty, not cold or hot....just tired. And won't sleep.

And please don't say "this too shall pass" because in the sleep deprived moments (which are all the time), that doesn't matter a hill of beans to me. Someone told me recently that you just get through it. You do what you have to do and you get through it. That sure helped me feel a little better than "this too shall pass"

enter a pause to go settle my baby who won't sleep

Lesson being learned here: I am doing my best and am only responsible for the things I can actually control. After all, you can't make a baby sleep. I am still convincing myself of this, I'm not a firm believer just yet...but maybe I'll get there.

Happy sleeping to all of you who actually get to sleep....know that I am beyond jealous (I don't think words can even describe it).