I never knew this about myself until the past week or so....I become an entirely different person at night. I have always known that I am not a morning person, nor do I handle being awake without a certain number of hours of sleep well. My body does not respond well to lack of sleep and I usually end up sick at some point after prolonged sleep deprivation.
So I've discovered that not only do I feel horrible emotionally and physically without sleep, but I also turn in to a werewolf. Not physically...but I have the attitude of a werewolf in the middle of the night. No full moon needed. This is on a nightly basis it seems.
I find myself ashamed in the light of day at how outwardly frustrated I become with my sweet baby girl in the middle (or not so middle) of the night. I pray for relief of this attitude and have yet to experience it as I'm dealing with the mental and physical fight that comes with sleep deprivation. I wonder.....when it comes to matters of sleep, how long can one function on next to no sleep? So far, we are going on say 2 months, but REALLY little sleep for about a month.
I can't imagine how my husband feels. He has to get up and go to work while I stay home. He tells me over and over that what I do is work and I believe him, but somehow it feels different that he has to get up at 5:30, get dressed, drive to work, work all day and then drive home to a house that is not picked up, not cleaned, no dinner is fixed or even in the works. Bless his heart. I believe he will be rewarded in heaven for his patience and loving kindness.
Lesson I am learning from all this - other than the fact that my husband is basically a saint - I have yet to find out. I hope to look back and understand, but I also hope I forget how miserable my nights have been.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Sleep Matters
This can be read two ways: first, that it matters to be able to sleep; second, that we are dealing with matters of sleep. Both meanings are true for us. We are in the middle of week 3 of sleeping no more than 2 or 3 consecutive hours. And we are near the end of the second month of really disturbed sleep patterns. Baby girl was once sleeping for 4 or 5 hour stretches, waking up to nurse and sleeping for 5 or 6 more. This happened for at least a month or so, but ever since she was 3 months old, that no longer exists for us.
A typical night looks like this:
7-7:15 Put her to bed for the night
8:45ish Go in, pat her on the back, give her the pacifier, turn back on side if needed
9:30 Same
10:45-11ish Give her the pacifier, turn her on her tummy if she will let you, pat on the back or booty
12:30 Pacifier, back on tummy or side, pat on the back
12:45 Same
Sometimes she will go back to sleep for a couple hours so somewhere in between 1 and 4 she will nurse and go back to sleep.
Most nights/mornings she is then awake around 4 or 5 to be put back to sleep and will sleep until 7 or so.
My sweet husband, lovingly gets up and takes turns with me, changing her diaper before he gives her to me to nurse. He does this in spite of the fact that he has a long commute to work and works all day only to come home and make dinner and do the night time stuff all over again.
Everything I have read tells me that sleep is very important for babies to grow properly and such. All the books give suggestions of how to get your baby to sleep better. I believe we are trying everything that we can think of to try and help baby girl sleep....it is not working. Last night, though, my wonderful husband sweetly took the monitor without my knowing and went in to do nightly baby duty. He was up for a few hours in her room, trying to disrupt the pattern of her waking up every 30-45 minutes and was letting me sleep through most of it.
Both of us are running on fumes and are constantly in prayer about this matter. We don't really know what else to do, but to keep trying. There is no crying it out because our sweet little one is very persistent and will only make herself sweaty and hoarse if she is left to cry even for a few minutes. We've read Babywise, the Baby Whisperer, the No-Cry Sleep Solution and anything you can find online. We are resigned to keep on keeping on and I pray that this does not last much longer so that we can begin to feel more rested soon.
A typical night looks like this:
7-7:15 Put her to bed for the night
8:45ish Go in, pat her on the back, give her the pacifier, turn back on side if needed
9:30 Same
10:45-11ish Give her the pacifier, turn her on her tummy if she will let you, pat on the back or booty
12:30 Pacifier, back on tummy or side, pat on the back
12:45 Same
Sometimes she will go back to sleep for a couple hours so somewhere in between 1 and 4 she will nurse and go back to sleep.
Most nights/mornings she is then awake around 4 or 5 to be put back to sleep and will sleep until 7 or so.
My sweet husband, lovingly gets up and takes turns with me, changing her diaper before he gives her to me to nurse. He does this in spite of the fact that he has a long commute to work and works all day only to come home and make dinner and do the night time stuff all over again.
Everything I have read tells me that sleep is very important for babies to grow properly and such. All the books give suggestions of how to get your baby to sleep better. I believe we are trying everything that we can think of to try and help baby girl sleep....it is not working. Last night, though, my wonderful husband sweetly took the monitor without my knowing and went in to do nightly baby duty. He was up for a few hours in her room, trying to disrupt the pattern of her waking up every 30-45 minutes and was letting me sleep through most of it.
Both of us are running on fumes and are constantly in prayer about this matter. We don't really know what else to do, but to keep trying. There is no crying it out because our sweet little one is very persistent and will only make herself sweaty and hoarse if she is left to cry even for a few minutes. We've read Babywise, the Baby Whisperer, the No-Cry Sleep Solution and anything you can find online. We are resigned to keep on keeping on and I pray that this does not last much longer so that we can begin to feel more rested soon.
I don't know who originally coined the phrase, but I am learning that I am not as weak as I once was."Sleep is for the weak."
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Breastfeeding Woes
From about minute one of her life, my sweet girl latched on and nursed really well! The whole time we were in the hospital, she nursed what seemed like constantly. I came home good and sore and we pretty much knew what to do. About one month in, I was still hurting and she began getting fussy while nursing. I thought she was too young for a nursing strike and we were also dealing with some intestinal issues (which we later found out was partly from her receiving antibiotics after birth). The books I read lead me to believe I had an oversupply so I began pumping.
3 weeks later, I didn't have enough. She was very fussy and I couldn't keep up. I began using my stored milk from my overproduction days to supplement my nursing and eventually, my stockpile was depleted. Throughout this time, I mourned my loss of nursing because it seemed inevitable that the end was near. Each time I fed her, I nursed first and she might only nurse for 3 minutes on each side and then she would fuss because she was still hungry and I would give her formula.
Fast forward to 3 months old and we were still nursing at every feeding and then supplementing after. I began to notice that her upper lip did not come out to nurse as well as her lower lip did and I began researching tongue ties. I spoke with a lactation consultant and my pediatrician and neither thought we were dealing with one, but I wasn't convinced. I had been drinking lactation tea, one beer at night (supposedly helps with production), eating oatmeal and trying to eat the foods that boost milk production. I didn't understand why it seemed my body was not responding. I was heart broken.
When she was about 4 months old, I met with another lactation consultant that I found through a breastfeeding support group on facebook (who says facebook doesn't have some redeeming qualities, after all) who suspected a tongue tie and recommended we see a pediatric dentist in Jacksonville. I am still nursing and supplementing. We met with him, he confirmed the tongue tie - on top and bottom and he performed the frenectomy on her mouth. He encouraged me to exclusively nurse as often as possible to try to get my supply back up and her mouth acclimated to nursing more efficiently.
So here we are...she is almost 5 months old and we are still nursing - Praise God! I was not ready to give it up completely and somehow she is becoming more patient and my body seems to be making enough milk to satisfy her at most feedings. We have started some oatmeal and she is slowly but surely eating it from a spoon. I'm still giving her at least one bottle of formula a day but I now acknowledge that formula is not the evil I once thought it was. I have no idea how long we will get to nurse, but I am thankful for each day that we get to spend that sweet time together.
I am more than whole heartedly apologetic to those I once silently judged for not breastfeeding. I now know first hand that there can be a myriad of circumstances that can lead a Mommy to need to use formula. Because ultimately, we aren't good Mommies if we let our babies go hungry because we are too proud to use formula. I have learned that first hand. I have also felt the devastation that comes from the feeling of not being able to nurture your baby in the way you intend and desire to nurture her. I truly feel for all the Mothers who could not breast feed for as long as they desired and I applaud each one who has endured hardship for the cause of nursing!
I also dealt with inadequacy regarding my ability or inability to provide for my baby girl. I have battled with feelings of deep sadness and hopelessness. I have felt like I am not a good Mother because I couldn't completely satisfy my baby's hunger and I have come out on the other side, knowing that I am providing for her in every way. It may not look like what I thought it would look like, but she is happy, healthy, full, clean and most of all LOVED!
This was probably way too long. Thanks for reading.
3 weeks later, I didn't have enough. She was very fussy and I couldn't keep up. I began using my stored milk from my overproduction days to supplement my nursing and eventually, my stockpile was depleted. Throughout this time, I mourned my loss of nursing because it seemed inevitable that the end was near. Each time I fed her, I nursed first and she might only nurse for 3 minutes on each side and then she would fuss because she was still hungry and I would give her formula.
Fast forward to 3 months old and we were still nursing at every feeding and then supplementing after. I began to notice that her upper lip did not come out to nurse as well as her lower lip did and I began researching tongue ties. I spoke with a lactation consultant and my pediatrician and neither thought we were dealing with one, but I wasn't convinced. I had been drinking lactation tea, one beer at night (supposedly helps with production), eating oatmeal and trying to eat the foods that boost milk production. I didn't understand why it seemed my body was not responding. I was heart broken.
When she was about 4 months old, I met with another lactation consultant that I found through a breastfeeding support group on facebook (who says facebook doesn't have some redeeming qualities, after all) who suspected a tongue tie and recommended we see a pediatric dentist in Jacksonville. I am still nursing and supplementing. We met with him, he confirmed the tongue tie - on top and bottom and he performed the frenectomy on her mouth. He encouraged me to exclusively nurse as often as possible to try to get my supply back up and her mouth acclimated to nursing more efficiently.
So here we are...she is almost 5 months old and we are still nursing - Praise God! I was not ready to give it up completely and somehow she is becoming more patient and my body seems to be making enough milk to satisfy her at most feedings. We have started some oatmeal and she is slowly but surely eating it from a spoon. I'm still giving her at least one bottle of formula a day but I now acknowledge that formula is not the evil I once thought it was. I have no idea how long we will get to nurse, but I am thankful for each day that we get to spend that sweet time together.
I am more than whole heartedly apologetic to those I once silently judged for not breastfeeding. I now know first hand that there can be a myriad of circumstances that can lead a Mommy to need to use formula. Because ultimately, we aren't good Mommies if we let our babies go hungry because we are too proud to use formula. I have learned that first hand. I have also felt the devastation that comes from the feeling of not being able to nurture your baby in the way you intend and desire to nurture her. I truly feel for all the Mothers who could not breast feed for as long as they desired and I applaud each one who has endured hardship for the cause of nursing!
I also dealt with inadequacy regarding my ability or inability to provide for my baby girl. I have battled with feelings of deep sadness and hopelessness. I have felt like I am not a good Mother because I couldn't completely satisfy my baby's hunger and I have come out on the other side, knowing that I am providing for her in every way. It may not look like what I thought it would look like, but she is happy, healthy, full, clean and most of all LOVED!
This was probably way too long. Thanks for reading.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
I forgot...
I should have mentioned that as I post these things, there is no need for concern. I have come out of that place of adjustment and have mostly embraced all that there is to this new life I have. :) My sweet girl is wonderful and the only thing I still really struggle with is the little sleep I get these days - especially considering I am such a sleep lover.
In the beginning...
This is the beginning of my new blog. Who knows who will actually read it, but I think it will help me to "share" my thoughts and discoveries as a Mom.
Becoming a Mother, which is still a very odd realization, has been by far the most difficult adjustment I have ever had to make. I've had my share of adjustments, mind you. Adjustments such as moving to a new state my junior year of high school, going away to college, getting married and having a traveling husband.
Women, doctors and others use the term "post-partum depression" but I think it can be classified as more of an adjustment disorder. There's this thing you want so badly and you have such high expectations for it, you read every book, eat everything you should, make all the appropriate preparations for this wonderful thing. Then you have your baby and are immersed in this life that is nothing like the books, it seems your prep work was done in vain and you have NO idea how to justify the life you had, the one you were expecting and the one you now have. The first thing I successfully learned about being a Mother is that you can not rely on your expectations.
Other posts to come....dealing with sleep (or the lack thereof), breastfeeding adventures (and woes), determining what is best for YOU and YOUR baby vs. what other people say is best....
Becoming a Mother, which is still a very odd realization, has been by far the most difficult adjustment I have ever had to make. I've had my share of adjustments, mind you. Adjustments such as moving to a new state my junior year of high school, going away to college, getting married and having a traveling husband.
Women, doctors and others use the term "post-partum depression" but I think it can be classified as more of an adjustment disorder. There's this thing you want so badly and you have such high expectations for it, you read every book, eat everything you should, make all the appropriate preparations for this wonderful thing. Then you have your baby and are immersed in this life that is nothing like the books, it seems your prep work was done in vain and you have NO idea how to justify the life you had, the one you were expecting and the one you now have. The first thing I successfully learned about being a Mother is that you can not rely on your expectations.
Other posts to come....dealing with sleep (or the lack thereof), breastfeeding adventures (and woes), determining what is best for YOU and YOUR baby vs. what other people say is best....
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