To be honest

Even though it has been 5 months.....and so much has happened in those 5 months, I still find myself coming up empty in moments like these. They tend to be happening more frequently these past couple weeks.

Maybe it's because I would have been feeling those little tiny kicks for months, maybe it's the room we would have been preparing, maybe it's the closing of those 9 months. Maybe it's because my sweet baby would have been joining us soon. Maybe it is because for whatever reason, many around me (for no fault of their own) are blessed with second pregnancies free of complication and yet I had this huge loss.

I know I am not alone and I don't wish this upon anyone, but it simply leaves me asking "why?". I know there are many unanswered questions in this life and this sure is one of them.

It is not to take away from anyone's miracle of carrying a baby or giving birth (it really is a miracle when you realize how fragile that little life can be), believe me when I say that I am truly happy for each one of you. I do not want to take away from someone else's happiness, and I REALLY am happy for you, but it does not make my hurt less. They are just different emotions. Emotions I am still ill-equipped to handle at certain moments.

But I DO know the happiness of a healthy pregnancy and delivery and for that I am eternally grateful AND I can whole-heartedly say that I celebrate with each addition to sweet families.

I know somehow this experience will equip me for another purpose in this life and I pray that it is useful in helping others.

Thank you to all of you who have shared this journey with me. You have helped more than you know.

In remembrance...

I’ll never forget the way he looked at me when I told him. Tears, streaming down his face as he tried to catch his breath. It was the most beautiful display of despair and love that I have ever seen.

It was the kind of news no one wants to tell the person they care for the most in the world, but it was our reality and even though he was not here, I knew he had to know.

There was no heartbeat.

The tiny, beautiful creature that we had already come to love was perishing and there was nothing anyone could do but wait.

The thoughts flooded my mind. The new chair we had purchased for the room that we would be lovingly transforming in preparation, the empty baby book with pages yet to be filled with the beautiful details of the beginning of life, the 8 week sonogram pictures of the most beautiful little glow worm I had ever seen. All these things would be representative of the future, the future that now existed only in the past.

As I waited, I stared at a most beloved photo of my sweet baby girl. She was sleeping peacefully in the room next to me, completely unknowing of any of the details that had been and the ones to come. As I looked in to her deep, beautiful eyes, I was ever so thankful for her life, her simply being. I gazed for a long time, minutes that passed felt like an eternity and mere moments at the same time.

My body began to break and what I experienced was unlike anything I have ever felt in my life. In an instant the baby was gone. The flush of my body would continue but I knew there were no longer two lives being sustained by my body. I felt helpless, failing. I was so heartbroken and felt my body had failed this baby.

The next morning when I woke up, I was forced to face the realization that the morning before I had been pregnant and that morning I was not. It was an empty feeling, one that no one else could feel for me. I realized I was part of a unique group of women who have been faced with this reality and for a moment I could feel the weight of so many women who have gone before me. The friends I had known, the babies lost, the heartache, it all seemed to be in this emotional box from which the lid had exploded.

As I waited, two days felt like an eternity and then finally, it was Tuesday. I would see my sweet husband that evening and finally get to hold him and have him hold me. I knew it would be the first real cry I would have since being in the ER, since hearing those 4 fateful words.

Even still, as I write this, it seems like a bad dream.

I sat in my car, plucking up the courage to walk in, to face the fact that I would have to solidify it even further and this time it would be in person with him. My heart raced as I anticipated seeing his face for the first time. As I navigated the parking lot and airport entrance, I emotionally navigated the juxtaposition of both joy and sorrow. I was thrilled to see him and have him with me but so devastated that he was home for this, these circumstances.

As I waited, I paced, pretended to look at the art hanging in the airport gallery and finally settled myself into a chair. Try as hard as I might, I could not make myself still. It was much like every other time I had picked him up if it weren’t for the sadness lurking around in my mind. My leg, crossed over the other, wavered almost uncontrollably and each time my mind passed to what our conversation would be, my eyes welled up with tears.

Finally, I saw him. Immediately, I moved my body to approach him. His embrace was the perfect fit, exactly what I needed. I felt myself completely safe in his arms and presence. I breathed a sigh of relief, yet I knew we would not get to share any of our needed words. He had not known the full details of the past 72 hours, but the airport baggage claim would not be the proper place to unload the precious details I held so closely.

The drive home dragged on as if we would not reach the comfort and safety of our home. I searched all the corners of my mind, trying to find something, anything else we could talk about. But one subject sat so heavily, that the few words we shared were very superficial, just begging to fill the silence even the tiniest bit. After what felt like an eternity, we pulled into our driveway. Even after we had brought his bags in the house, caught our breath and taken off the remnants of the day, we still did not speak. It was as if we didn’t speak the words, then maybe, just maybe it wouldn’t be true.

As we climbed in to the safety and warmth of our bed, I asked if he wanted to talk and if so, what he wanted to know. We laid there and I spread out the blanket of details that had covered my last 3 days. I cried, really for the first time since those 4 words had been uttered to me; it was the first real, cathartic cry since I had shared those same words with my husband. After we labored over the emotions and heartache, we slept.

I awoke the next morning, knowing he would be gone. It was to be expected after getting back from a work trip. I laid in my bed, gradually waking up to my new reality. This morning it felt different. I wasn’t waking up alone even though my bed had only me in it. I knew I had him to hold. I got up and right as I was about to get our sweet baby girl out of bed, he came home. He wanted to get her and I knew it would be special.

He went in her room. She reached for me but then went to him. They snuggled. And then snuggled some more. It was the sweetest moment and I was so thankful to get to take it in. I was grateful for her. For him. For her to have him. And for me to have them both.

The morning went on as it always did. After breakfast they went to get groceries. I stayed home.

I began to busy myself with some household chores. I straightened up a little and decided which things needed to be put away. As I put a few baby things away, small reminders of what had been, what would be, I felt a sense of renewal and I knew the healing had begun.

I get it! I congratulate Jessica Simpson for "getting her body back" after having 2 babies. And I appreciate her sentiments in her latest Weight Watchers ad when she appreciates all that her body can do (give lives to 2 babies, etc). I really do appreciate it. I do.

BUT here's the thing...why does there need to be SO much emphasis on women getting their bodies back after babies?! Where is the celebrity who holds a little more "love" in her hips and around her middle who lets us know she eats healthily and represents the reality of the "after baby body"? The one who eats well, exercises and teaches her children healthy eating habits, but isn't showing her ribs or hip bones in the scant photos of her on the cover of the magazine.

Some women can work and work, exercise and undergo very diligent eating plans and never get that body back. It's nowhere to be found! Complications like chronic fatigue, adrenal fatigue and thyroid issues can get right in the way of toning up that body and getting "hot Mom skinny". These are NOT excuses, but real hurdles that make it absolutely incredibly difficult to lose that baby weight and get back in a two-piece by summer.

And do women really get their bodies back?! Even if/when you get down to pre-baby weight, hasn't it all decided to take up real estate in new places? 

Why do we continue to be on two opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to health? There are those who continue to let excuses get in the way of starting healthy habits like walking or cutting out fast food as a regular meal plan. Then there are the ones who claim to inspire to kick the habit of excuse-making. As a person who is well over a year from giving birth and not back to pre-baby weight or clothing, I do not find it inspiring when a fellow life-giver blatantly flaunts that she has achieved these things which I have not when it is likely that we have both worked equally as hard at doing so. It is never my wish to minimize others' efforts and achievements, and I would never wish to make anyone feel poorly about themselves, but I wish the same consideration would be given for those out there like me.

I know there are women who don't have to try and shed all their pregnancy weight and then some. These women may or may not have to exercise to achieve their results and I get that they should not be chastised for their luck, good genes, etc. I am not here to bash those of you who have been able to go from that nice, round baby-bearing belly to flat, toned and back in your skinny jeans. I just don't know why we aren't focusing more on building one another up on our own, very different journeys with our bodies. 

When we set out to achieve health, there are often side effects to healthier eating and exercising. Things like weight loss or loss of health issues are a great side effect! But let's be honest....getting healthy is not just getting skinny!! This whole thigh gap thing is a crazy goal to take on. Sure, there are some of you who might be reading this who do have a natural thigh gap. You try to put weight ON and maybe have the same trouble I do with taking it off. The point is not to make you feel badly for being thin when I am not.

The point is....why isn't our emphasis on health? Why aren't we trying to teach our children that eating hamburgers and fries all the time is not healthy? It is my belief that my husband and I eat incredibly healthy meals and snacks while letting ourselves have some of the not so great choices every once in a while. Our goal is to teach our child (children should we be blessed with more) to enjoy fruits and vegetables and whole foods and that other things have their (much smaller) place. And I don't fit in my pre-baby clothing. I have a little extra in the belly/hip region than I had before. I have had to buy new clothes. I still struggle with being okay with the fact that I jiggle a little more than I'd like.

But I eat healthy foods, I exercise almost every day. And chances are, you are making some very healthy choices for your life too! I think we could all stand to make a few more healthier choices. But most of all I think we could all stand to support each other more in our endeavors and not be judgy wudgy.


Let's make the folks in the healthy & beauty industry change their standards of advertising because their get skinny to get healthy tactics don't work for us. Let's support one another in being healthy!

Looking Back

I meant to publish this back in December...for some reason I neglected to do so...

I have a couple friends who are either expecting little ones or have just had babies and I am overflowing with memories. I have been looking back to this time a year ago and I am overcome with wonder to realize how much has changed.

This time last year, I was a completely different person. I did not have a handle on the whole new Mommy thing, even though I had been a Mom for over 2 months. When we were getting ready to go out for my birthday, I was a big ball of emotions. I felt like I would never get used to having this new baby in my life. I didn't like how my life had been flipped upside down and, selfishly, I wasn't sure I was going to make it through the adjustment.

**Don't get me wrong, I would NOT have done anything to change having my sweet one being in my life, but I thought I was going to be unhappy for a very long time.***

So here we are, one year later. I am a ball of emotions, but for a reason different from the reason last year. This year, as I celebrated my birthday, I saw it from a Mother's perspective.

I now have such a deep respect for my own Mother and the sacrifices she has made to make my life possible. The realizations that I now hold are ones that I was completely naive to prior to entering the club of Mommyhood. I am beyond thankful for the sacrifices my Mother made with her body, with her time, with her energy and with her money.

Prior to becoming a Mother (and even for a little while afterwards), I was used to spending money on myself rather frivolously. If I saw a shirt or a pair of shoes I liked, I bought them. But, I found out the hard way that these extraneous purchases could no longer find their way into my shopping cart, car or closet. So I have mourned the loss of that kind of lifestyle and I resign myself to the knowledge that the money I once spent on myself is much better spent on that little girl to whom I have given life.

Because it's what others aren't saying...

It's Halloween and we are trick-or-treating with a child for the first time this year. See, last year, we had a 2 week old and were not even close to braving the streets or even putting her in a costume. I wasn't really even sure if I could walk to the end of the driveway by myself.

*This is not standard for all new moms. But for some reason, I was a worry wort, a scared Susie and a nervous Nelly.*

Tonight, however, my little bumble bee is going to join forces with her best friend bumble bee and they are going to swarm the neighborhood! It is likely, that said bumble bees will not get to enjoy much of their loot, but I believe it will still be a fun experience for them nonetheless.

Back in July, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. Which means my thyroid is under active and therefore I have been having trouble losing the last of my baby weight, have been exhausted and a few other lovely symptoms. I have been on medication since July and I don't seem to be feeling any different. I have still have not been able to lose weight and I have the constant feeling of being bloated (*think first trimester of pregnancy, before you start to show when your clothes just don't fit right and feel very uncomfortable).

I am currently visiting a few doctors to try to get things regulated and I'm hopeful that in the very near future I will start to feel better.

My first thought about this is that I never thought I would be diagnosed with something I would have to address for the rest of my life before I turn 30! Then, it makes sense why I haven't been able to lose these last few pounds of baby weight.

But then....I really try to put the whole weight and thinness thing away. I know my struggles through the years and some of that is natural, but I don't want to pass any unnecessary weight or body image issue to my sweet girl. And! I want to be okay with myself. I don't want my shape or weight to define me. There are so many more important things in life than getting caught up in these things. Still, you can't help how you feel, right? So this is my battle. It is like a cul-de-sac that I keep going around. I have moments when I can get past these thoughts, and then there are those moments when I just feel so self-defeating. I hate those moments. They are not helpful. Because the truth is, I walk at least 30 minutes every day, I drink lots of water and eat healthy foods. Sure, I indulge in small treats, but I do not gorge myself. I do not eat fast food, fried foods or tons of sugar. I enjoy an alcoholic beverage, but not in excess.

I do not have time to kill it at the gym. I just won't let that become the priority over my daughter. I do what I can and take pretty good care of myself. Why should I beat myself up for the things I can not control? And why should I find my value in the number on my scale or the size of my jeans?
I am defined by so much more! I am a mother, a wife, a Christ follower and so much more. I am good at many things and I am so much more than my clothes or my size. My baby girl is so special and she and my husband alone are more than enough to fill the places of my mind that get boggled down by my preoccupation with my size. They are the most important, but there are also many other facets of my life that are special to me.

But, here's the catch. Even though I am stating the truth and putting it all out there, I often have trouble believing these truths.

But as I sit here, I vow to believe it. I will likely come back to this place over and over in the course of my life and my prayer is that health becomes much more of a priority in my mind than size. I pray that size loses its luster and that the other, much more important things of life take up the fore front of my mind.

Thanks for reading. And if you're the praying type, pray that I can be the Mother worthy of Emmy's love, the wife worthy of my husband's devotion, and that I can ignore these unhelpful, unlovely thoughts about myself and in their place that I can and will believe the things that are actually true of myself.

I'm delinquent

When it comes to posting on this blog...I am waaay past due for an update. Remember when I was posting sometimes twice in one week?! Yeah, I would love to get back to that. I'd still like to think that my little corner of the internet has the potential to grab the hand of some new Mom (or Dad), somewhere and make a difference.

I'll never be a Jen Hatmaker or anyone who gets passed around social media, but I'm fine with that. If I can just let one Mom know that she is not alone in what she's going through, then I would be completely satisfied.

So here we are.....with an almost 1 year old! She is 2 weeks away from her 1st birthday and I can not believe it. People told me it would fly by but I didn't fully understand. Now, I have this vision of her being 1 and then 12! It is crazy! I know the first 6 months were rough for us, but I swear the last 6 months have FLOWN! We have had so much fun watching her learn to roll over, crawl, pull up and now walk! I looked at her last night and tried to hold her like I would have when she was a newborn and she didn't even fit. I looked at my husband and said, "We don't have a baby anymore."

Most nights are sleep through the night nights and I could not be more thankful. I am a person who very much values sleep....I could sleep all day and not feel like I had enough sleep. So this sleeping through the night stuff....SO important.

We survived Roseola virus and our first real fever. It was 4 days of 101 temps and a suuuper cranky little girl. She barely ate and didn't know if she wanted to be held or wanted to be put down. It was so trying on all of us. To add insult to injury, this was the weekend of the TN/FL game (a big rivalry in our house)...which TN (my team) lost to FL, which has happened the entire length of mine and my husband's relationship (9 years now). Ugh.

Buggy boo (we sometimes call her), is walking pretty well. We have spills every once in a while, but walking is the main mode of transportation around the house. She has started trying to feed herself with a spoon (messy times). She has started mimicking us when we say things (think "uh oh" and "bye bye"). I am so proud to call her mine. I am proud to be her Momma and I'm so thankful she is in my life.

Sure, this first year has been trying, an utter complete adjustment, and other years will be too. But I'm so excited to watch her keep growing. As of now I'm still staying home with her and I'm so thankful I've had a year to do so. There were times when I thought I might go crazy, but I've found outlets for that craziness and I have friends who keep me sane.

What a year.....what changes! I'm so grateful for my sweet Buggy, my smart Lovie, my strong-willed and opinionated Amelia Rose. May I continue to be refined and made better by her.

New milestones

It's been over a month since my last post.....I'll blame it on the fact that life is busy?!

Some new things we have experienced recently:
Our little girl is walking!
Not full, walking all the time walking, but definitely letting go of things and walking halfway across the room. This is huuge! Huge in the fact that I am a super proud Momma and also huge in the fact that the times of confining her and running to do something in the next room are over. Huge in the fact that I will now be chasing her ALL over the place! Life is about to get busier.

We are definitely in the sleep all night phase and I could not be happier or more well-rested! Thank you God!!

We went on our first trip in July. Flying with a 9 month old is not the most difficult thing, but it certainly is exhausting. We had a new toy so she could play with something she had never played with before. We made sure she had a bottle or paci for take off and landing. Her ears didn't seem to bother her. The most difficult thing by far was the fact that she didn't understand why she had to stay in our laps and why she couldn't get down and move around on the floor.

We also had our first over night trip without the little one. It was for our anniversary. My sweet husband took me to the hotel we stayed in the night of our wedding. My parents kept our little girl and she did great!

We are coming up on the 1 year mark....about a month and a half away...CRAZY! I'm working on her birthday party.

We have friends who are expecting their second....and lots of friends pregnant with their first. That baby fever is trying to kick in but I hope we will push through for a little more time with our sweet one before another one comes in to our lives.