It's Halloween and we are trick-or-treating with a child for the first time this year. See, last year, we had a 2 week old and were not even close to braving the streets or even putting her in a costume. I wasn't really even sure if I could walk to the end of the driveway by myself.
*This is not standard for all new moms. But for some reason, I was a worry wort, a scared Susie and a nervous Nelly.*
Tonight, however, my little bumble bee is going to join forces with her best friend bumble bee and they are going to swarm the neighborhood! It is likely, that said bumble bees will not get to enjoy much of their loot, but I believe it will still be a fun experience for them nonetheless.
Back in July, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. Which means my thyroid is under active and therefore I have been having trouble losing the last of my baby weight, have been exhausted and a few other lovely symptoms. I have been on medication since July and I don't seem to be feeling any different. I have still have not been able to lose weight and I have the constant feeling of being bloated (*think first trimester of pregnancy, before you start to show when your clothes just don't fit right and feel very uncomfortable).
I am currently visiting a few doctors to try to get things regulated and I'm hopeful that in the very near future I will start to feel better.
My first thought about this is that I never thought I would be diagnosed with something I would have to address for the rest of my life before I turn 30! Then, it makes sense why I haven't been able to lose these last few pounds of baby weight.
But then....I really try to put the whole weight and thinness thing away. I know my struggles through the years and some of that is natural, but I don't want to pass any unnecessary weight or body image issue to my sweet girl. And! I want to be okay with myself. I don't want my shape or weight to define me. There are so many more important things in life than getting caught up in these things. Still, you can't help how you feel, right? So this is my battle. It is like a cul-de-sac that I keep going around. I have moments when I can get past these thoughts, and then there are those moments when I just feel so self-defeating. I hate those moments. They are not helpful. Because the truth is, I walk at least 30 minutes every day, I drink lots of water and eat healthy foods. Sure, I indulge in small treats, but I do not gorge myself. I do not eat fast food, fried foods or tons of sugar. I enjoy an alcoholic beverage, but not in excess.
I do not have time to kill it at the gym. I just won't let that become the priority over my daughter. I do what I can and take pretty good care of myself. Why should I beat myself up for the things I can not control? And why should I find my value in the number on my scale or the size of my jeans?
I am defined by so much more! I am a mother, a wife, a Christ follower and so much more. I am good at many things and I am so much more than my clothes or my size. My baby girl is so special and she and my husband alone are more than enough to fill the places of my mind that get boggled down by my preoccupation with my size. They are the most important, but there are also many other facets of my life that are special to me.
But, here's the catch. Even though I am stating the truth and putting it all out there, I often have trouble believing these truths.
But as I sit here, I vow to believe it. I will likely come back to this place over and over in the course of my life and my prayer is that health becomes much more of a priority in my mind than size. I pray that size loses its luster and that the other, much more important things of life take up the fore front of my mind.
Thanks for reading. And if you're the praying type, pray that I can be the Mother worthy of Emmy's love, the wife worthy of my husband's devotion, and that I can ignore these unhelpful, unlovely thoughts about myself and in their place that I can and will believe the things that are actually true of myself.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Friday, October 4, 2013
I'm delinquent
When it comes to posting on this blog...I am waaay past due for an update. Remember when I was posting sometimes twice in one week?! Yeah, I would love to get back to that. I'd still like to think that my little corner of the internet has the potential to grab the hand of some new Mom (or Dad), somewhere and make a difference.
I'll never be a Jen Hatmaker or anyone who gets passed around social media, but I'm fine with that. If I can just let one Mom know that she is not alone in what she's going through, then I would be completely satisfied.
So here we are.....with an almost 1 year old! She is 2 weeks away from her 1st birthday and I can not believe it. People told me it would fly by but I didn't fully understand. Now, I have this vision of her being 1 and then 12! It is crazy! I know the first 6 months were rough for us, but I swear the last 6 months have FLOWN! We have had so much fun watching her learn to roll over, crawl, pull up and now walk! I looked at her last night and tried to hold her like I would have when she was a newborn and she didn't even fit. I looked at my husband and said, "We don't have a baby anymore."
Most nights are sleep through the night nights and I could not be more thankful. I am a person who very much values sleep....I could sleep all day and not feel like I had enough sleep. So this sleeping through the night stuff....SO important.
We survived Roseola virus and our first real fever. It was 4 days of 101 temps and a suuuper cranky little girl. She barely ate and didn't know if she wanted to be held or wanted to be put down. It was so trying on all of us. To add insult to injury, this was the weekend of the TN/FL game (a big rivalry in our house)...which TN (my team) lost to FL, which has happened the entire length of mine and my husband's relationship (9 years now). Ugh.
Buggy boo (we sometimes call her), is walking pretty well. We have spills every once in a while, but walking is the main mode of transportation around the house. She has started trying to feed herself with a spoon (messy times). She has started mimicking us when we say things (think "uh oh" and "bye bye"). I am so proud to call her mine. I am proud to be her Momma and I'm so thankful she is in my life.
Sure, this first year has been trying, an utter complete adjustment, and other years will be too. But I'm so excited to watch her keep growing. As of now I'm still staying home with her and I'm so thankful I've had a year to do so. There were times when I thought I might go crazy, but I've found outlets for that craziness and I have friends who keep me sane.
What a year.....what changes! I'm so grateful for my sweet Buggy, my smart Lovie, my strong-willed and opinionated Amelia Rose. May I continue to be refined and made better by her.
I'll never be a Jen Hatmaker or anyone who gets passed around social media, but I'm fine with that. If I can just let one Mom know that she is not alone in what she's going through, then I would be completely satisfied.
So here we are.....with an almost 1 year old! She is 2 weeks away from her 1st birthday and I can not believe it. People told me it would fly by but I didn't fully understand. Now, I have this vision of her being 1 and then 12! It is crazy! I know the first 6 months were rough for us, but I swear the last 6 months have FLOWN! We have had so much fun watching her learn to roll over, crawl, pull up and now walk! I looked at her last night and tried to hold her like I would have when she was a newborn and she didn't even fit. I looked at my husband and said, "We don't have a baby anymore."
Most nights are sleep through the night nights and I could not be more thankful. I am a person who very much values sleep....I could sleep all day and not feel like I had enough sleep. So this sleeping through the night stuff....SO important.
We survived Roseola virus and our first real fever. It was 4 days of 101 temps and a suuuper cranky little girl. She barely ate and didn't know if she wanted to be held or wanted to be put down. It was so trying on all of us. To add insult to injury, this was the weekend of the TN/FL game (a big rivalry in our house)...which TN (my team) lost to FL, which has happened the entire length of mine and my husband's relationship (9 years now). Ugh.
Sure, this first year has been trying, an utter complete adjustment, and other years will be too. But I'm so excited to watch her keep growing. As of now I'm still staying home with her and I'm so thankful I've had a year to do so. There were times when I thought I might go crazy, but I've found outlets for that craziness and I have friends who keep me sane.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
New milestones
It's been over a month since my last post.....I'll blame it on the fact that life is busy?!
Some new things we have experienced recently:
Our little girl is walking!
Not full, walking all the time walking, but definitely letting go of things and walking halfway across the room. This is huuge! Huge in the fact that I am a super proud Momma and also huge in the fact that the times of confining her and running to do something in the next room are over. Huge in the fact that I will now be chasing her ALL over the place! Life is about to get busier.
We are definitely in the sleep all night phase and I could not be happier or more well-rested! Thank you God!!
We went on our first trip in July. Flying with a 9 month old is not the most difficult thing, but it certainly is exhausting. We had a new toy so she could play with something she had never played with before. We made sure she had a bottle or paci for take off and landing. Her ears didn't seem to bother her. The most difficult thing by far was the fact that she didn't understand why she had to stay in our laps and why she couldn't get down and move around on the floor.
We also had our first over night trip without the little one. It was for our anniversary. My sweet husband took me to the hotel we stayed in the night of our wedding. My parents kept our little girl and she did great!
We are coming up on the 1 year mark....about a month and a half away...CRAZY! I'm working on her birthday party.
We have friends who are expecting their second....and lots of friends pregnant with their first. That baby fever is trying to kick in but I hope we will push through for a little more time with our sweet one before another one comes in to our lives.
Some new things we have experienced recently:
Our little girl is walking!
Not full, walking all the time walking, but definitely letting go of things and walking halfway across the room. This is huuge! Huge in the fact that I am a super proud Momma and also huge in the fact that the times of confining her and running to do something in the next room are over. Huge in the fact that I will now be chasing her ALL over the place! Life is about to get busier.
We are definitely in the sleep all night phase and I could not be happier or more well-rested! Thank you God!!
We went on our first trip in July. Flying with a 9 month old is not the most difficult thing, but it certainly is exhausting. We had a new toy so she could play with something she had never played with before. We made sure she had a bottle or paci for take off and landing. Her ears didn't seem to bother her. The most difficult thing by far was the fact that she didn't understand why she had to stay in our laps and why she couldn't get down and move around on the floor.
We also had our first over night trip without the little one. It was for our anniversary. My sweet husband took me to the hotel we stayed in the night of our wedding. My parents kept our little girl and she did great!
We are coming up on the 1 year mark....about a month and a half away...CRAZY! I'm working on her birthday party.
We have friends who are expecting their second....and lots of friends pregnant with their first. That baby fever is trying to kick in but I hope we will push through for a little more time with our sweet one before another one comes in to our lives.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Ponderances
As I'm watching various news avenues roll out headlines about Kate Middleton giving birth, her exit from the hospital and such, I am so sympathetic to how difficult it must be to live up to the pressure given her. I understand that as part of the royal family, she has some duty to the country's citizens, but I kind of wish she hadn't made a public appearance and taken care of herself. In light of my previous post, I can only imagine what bodily functions she was having to endure as she stood there, prim and proper and not in sweat pants, her hair fixed and make up on her face. I really wish the world would have given her a few more days to truly recover before pressuring her to show herself. And that she would not have to give in to the pressure that comes with gaining back your pre-pregnant body and being the "perfect" Mother, always put together and without flaws.
I am learning that there may not be such a thing as going back to your pre-baby body for some people. I met with a nurse practitioner last week who ordered blood work since I can't seem to lose any weight or inches and she told me she didn't necessarily believe that you couldn't go back to your pre-baby weight. I think that may be true for some people, but for others, we are left with the scars and reminders that our bodies have done a magnificent thing in bringing life in to this world. While it is something I would like to truly grasp, I am still struggling with how I feel in my after-baby clothes that still don't fit the way I would like.
In other news....our little girl made her first flying trip over the weekend. We visited Memphis for my Mamaw's 90th birthday. There were quite a few family members that little bug got to meet (aunts, uncles and cousins, in addition to Mamaw). She did well on the flights. The only thing we really struggled with was the concept of not being able to move around while on the plane. She wanted to get down and crawl and walk around on the flights.
We made some sweet memories on this trip. Ones we will document well and remember forever. I'm so thankful for the time with our wonderful family!
I have recently been pondering the idea of loving others. I believe that God has called us to treat other people the way we would want to be treated if we were in their situation (whatever that may be). I have been taught that and I plan to teach my daughter that concept. I think our society has gotten very far away from this idea and I think we need to pull together and re-learn this tried and true practice. If we did this, I wonder how much less crime and injustices would be done in our cities, states, countries, even our world! There are so many more important things in life than to get caught up in being hateful toward each other. Sorry to get all philosophical, but I just felt the need to share.
I am learning that there may not be such a thing as going back to your pre-baby body for some people. I met with a nurse practitioner last week who ordered blood work since I can't seem to lose any weight or inches and she told me she didn't necessarily believe that you couldn't go back to your pre-baby weight. I think that may be true for some people, but for others, we are left with the scars and reminders that our bodies have done a magnificent thing in bringing life in to this world. While it is something I would like to truly grasp, I am still struggling with how I feel in my after-baby clothes that still don't fit the way I would like.
In other news....our little girl made her first flying trip over the weekend. We visited Memphis for my Mamaw's 90th birthday. There were quite a few family members that little bug got to meet (aunts, uncles and cousins, in addition to Mamaw). She did well on the flights. The only thing we really struggled with was the concept of not being able to move around while on the plane. She wanted to get down and crawl and walk around on the flights.
We made some sweet memories on this trip. Ones we will document well and remember forever. I'm so thankful for the time with our wonderful family!
I have recently been pondering the idea of loving others. I believe that God has called us to treat other people the way we would want to be treated if we were in their situation (whatever that may be). I have been taught that and I plan to teach my daughter that concept. I think our society has gotten very far away from this idea and I think we need to pull together and re-learn this tried and true practice. If we did this, I wonder how much less crime and injustices would be done in our cities, states, countries, even our world! There are so many more important things in life than to get caught up in being hateful toward each other. Sorry to get all philosophical, but I just felt the need to share.
Monday, July 15, 2013
I have been thinking a lot about the birthing experience lately. I'll spare the gore and gutsy details, but I have been wondering if the memories I have of myself after delivery are normal to most women.
I had probably an average laboring and pushing time. After delivering my baby girl, I barely remember anything but feeling like a zombie for the next week or so. Call it exhaustion, call it starvation (I had trouble eating...lots of nausea), but I am kind of embarrassed that I wasn't more "with it". I can only imagine what our visitors thought of my demeanor. I had taken make up and hair products with me to the hospital because I have seen so many "just after birth" photos where the Mommies have their hair done and at least a little make up on as they take pictures with their new babies.
I.barely.took.a.shower.
There was no way I was doing my hair or putting make up on. I had so little capacity to even walk from the bed to the bathroom and back. I'm guessing it was all because I didn't realize all the trauma that a woman's body experiences during this time.
There are maybe only 2 or 3 photos of me after she was born. I wonder if this is the way most Mommies feel just after labor and delivery (and the hospital stay).
I did not have any drugs (other than pitocin) and I wonder if I had if I would have felt differently. I'm not saying I regret this part of my experience, I guess I just expected to have good photos of the 3 of us even though we were still in the hospital.
I wonder now that I know what to expect if the next one will be different and if I'll remember more.
Just some thoughts.
I had probably an average laboring and pushing time. After delivering my baby girl, I barely remember anything but feeling like a zombie for the next week or so. Call it exhaustion, call it starvation (I had trouble eating...lots of nausea), but I am kind of embarrassed that I wasn't more "with it". I can only imagine what our visitors thought of my demeanor. I had taken make up and hair products with me to the hospital because I have seen so many "just after birth" photos where the Mommies have their hair done and at least a little make up on as they take pictures with their new babies.
I.barely.took.a.shower.
There was no way I was doing my hair or putting make up on. I had so little capacity to even walk from the bed to the bathroom and back. I'm guessing it was all because I didn't realize all the trauma that a woman's body experiences during this time.
There are maybe only 2 or 3 photos of me after she was born. I wonder if this is the way most Mommies feel just after labor and delivery (and the hospital stay).
I did not have any drugs (other than pitocin) and I wonder if I had if I would have felt differently. I'm not saying I regret this part of my experience, I guess I just expected to have good photos of the 3 of us even though we were still in the hospital.
I wonder now that I know what to expect if the next one will be different and if I'll remember more.
Just some thoughts.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Milestones
We have experienced some major milestones these past few weeks.
Two weeks ago, the little one decided she was done just rolling on the floor and all of a sudden started crawling....everywhere! A few days later, she also decided that crawling wasn't going to be challenging enough so she decided to start pulling up - mostly on me. :) Then this past week, she decided that she thinks she can walk (even though she still has a bit of work to do on the whole balance thing) so she will crawl over, pull up on me and want me to help her walk around. Crazy! I don't know how this all happened!
She also has started cutting her first tooth! It is still mostly below her gums' surface but you can feel the little poke of a tooth and when she holds her mouth just right and with the right lighting, you can see where the skin has broken a little and there is a little tiny pearly white just waiting for its debut.
I know some of you are probably curious about our sleep situation. Well, she still does not sleep through the night but there have been some MAJOR improvements! Most nights, she will sleep for a few hours, wake up between 10 and 11 and want a bottle and then go back to sleep until 6:30 or so. Needless to say, we are sleeping MUCH better. I certainly can not complain thinking back to how we were sleeping just a few months ago. I am so thankful!
As far as my progress goes, I realized something yesterday. As I was sitting next to my husband in church and the little one was in the nursery, I suddenly realized that I have become so entwined with that little girl that I can not imagine what my life would be like without her. I love her so much and am having a blast watching her as she discovers new things about the world around her. She defines me in a way that I have never been defined before...I am a Mother. And even though it has taken me a while to adjust (I guess I am a slow learner), I am so happy she is mine and that I have been blessed with sweet, loving little ball of energy! I am so thankful!
Two weeks ago, the little one decided she was done just rolling on the floor and all of a sudden started crawling....everywhere! A few days later, she also decided that crawling wasn't going to be challenging enough so she decided to start pulling up - mostly on me. :) Then this past week, she decided that she thinks she can walk (even though she still has a bit of work to do on the whole balance thing) so she will crawl over, pull up on me and want me to help her walk around. Crazy! I don't know how this all happened!
She also has started cutting her first tooth! It is still mostly below her gums' surface but you can feel the little poke of a tooth and when she holds her mouth just right and with the right lighting, you can see where the skin has broken a little and there is a little tiny pearly white just waiting for its debut.
I know some of you are probably curious about our sleep situation. Well, she still does not sleep through the night but there have been some MAJOR improvements! Most nights, she will sleep for a few hours, wake up between 10 and 11 and want a bottle and then go back to sleep until 6:30 or so. Needless to say, we are sleeping MUCH better. I certainly can not complain thinking back to how we were sleeping just a few months ago. I am so thankful!
As far as my progress goes, I realized something yesterday. As I was sitting next to my husband in church and the little one was in the nursery, I suddenly realized that I have become so entwined with that little girl that I can not imagine what my life would be like without her. I love her so much and am having a blast watching her as she discovers new things about the world around her. She defines me in a way that I have never been defined before...I am a Mother. And even though it has taken me a while to adjust (I guess I am a slow learner), I am so happy she is mine and that I have been blessed with sweet, loving little ball of energy! I am so thankful!
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Expectations
I've been thinking about expectations. Parenthood so far has been very little like what I expected it to be. There are certainly things that I did expect such as feeling inadequate, questioning my decisions and feeling so overwhelmed by love for my baby. Then there are the things I expected that have not happened and the ones I did not expect that have come along.
I never fully understood how utterly helpless I would feel when my sweet girl had something wrong with her that I could not fix. I didn't expect to feel like I don't have enough time to clean my house or do a workout because I don't know how long this nap is going to last.
I expected that since I had taken care of myself during pregnancy that my body would bounce back. I didn't let myself go after all and I walked up until 39 or 40 weeks. I knew I would have to work at it, but I never expected that nothing I did would work. I know what you're thinking, well it takes 9 months to put it on so it should take that long to take it off. But I have been working at it and have not budged in at least a month, possibly 2! Ugh. BUT........
I have an amazing little girl who I sacrificed my body for. I would never take her back in order to have a smaller butt or thinner hips. She is much more worth it than my vanity.
{MAY I REALLY COME TO BELIEVE THIS!}
So what I will say about expectations is, while I have always had somewhat differing experiences from my expectations, being a Mother carries by far the most differences of expectations vs. realities. In the beginning of this journey I experienced such a shock entering the world of Motherhood that I could not fathom what any other stage would be like. And now, I am able to take my new reality and imagine other stages and my new expectations, which I hope are much more realistic are lovely. The future with my girl and possibly other child(ren) {God-willing} is so exciting and I am thrilled that my expectations of what being a Mother is like have been challenged.
I never fully understood how utterly helpless I would feel when my sweet girl had something wrong with her that I could not fix. I didn't expect to feel like I don't have enough time to clean my house or do a workout because I don't know how long this nap is going to last.
I expected that since I had taken care of myself during pregnancy that my body would bounce back. I didn't let myself go after all and I walked up until 39 or 40 weeks. I knew I would have to work at it, but I never expected that nothing I did would work. I know what you're thinking, well it takes 9 months to put it on so it should take that long to take it off. But I have been working at it and have not budged in at least a month, possibly 2! Ugh. BUT........
I have an amazing little girl who I sacrificed my body for. I would never take her back in order to have a smaller butt or thinner hips. She is much more worth it than my vanity.
{MAY I REALLY COME TO BELIEVE THIS!}
So what I will say about expectations is, while I have always had somewhat differing experiences from my expectations, being a Mother carries by far the most differences of expectations vs. realities. In the beginning of this journey I experienced such a shock entering the world of Motherhood that I could not fathom what any other stage would be like. And now, I am able to take my new reality and imagine other stages and my new expectations, which I hope are much more realistic are lovely. The future with my girl and possibly other child(ren) {God-willing} is so exciting and I am thrilled that my expectations of what being a Mother is like have been challenged.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Battle of the Booty
We have been battling diaper rash for over a week now and by battle, I mean this thing is of epic proportions. Our little love had a #2 diaper and BOOM! had a horrible rash. It proceeded to get worse, as did her diaper presents over the past week while her Daddy, grandparents and 2 pediatricians and I have all tried to get this resolved.
She hasn't had a fever, no runny nose, no real "sick" symptoms except for her poops. So our pediatrician has taken her completely off lactose, she is eating rice cereal and bananas to try to clear it up. As for the rash, she gave us some cream they use to treat burns (yes, it is that bad and no, we have not been letting her sit in her dirty diapers). We've been going this avenue for the week and it is very slow to resolve.
Enter the lesson I'm learning.....(I feel like I'll always be learning this lesson)
It is not my fault! I have changed her as soon as she goes potty, I have put ointments and creams and barriers on her to keep it from worsening. I have let her be naked often to try to air everything out and I did not cause this. (I'm mostly writing this to remind myself, I am not trying to justify anything to any one else)
There are certain things in this life that are completely and utterly out of our control. It is the same with our babies and families. Yet, why do we beat ourselves up and let our minds be filled with guilt that these things are within our control? I'm asking myself that all the time and I'm sure with my baby it is because I care so much for her and want everything to be okay. I need to learn to rest with the knowledge that I do provide well for my baby, she is loved and greatly cared for. If anyone knows how to beat the guilt, let me know!!
She hasn't had a fever, no runny nose, no real "sick" symptoms except for her poops. So our pediatrician has taken her completely off lactose, she is eating rice cereal and bananas to try to clear it up. As for the rash, she gave us some cream they use to treat burns (yes, it is that bad and no, we have not been letting her sit in her dirty diapers). We've been going this avenue for the week and it is very slow to resolve.
Enter the lesson I'm learning.....(I feel like I'll always be learning this lesson)
It is not my fault! I have changed her as soon as she goes potty, I have put ointments and creams and barriers on her to keep it from worsening. I have let her be naked often to try to air everything out and I did not cause this. (I'm mostly writing this to remind myself, I am not trying to justify anything to any one else)
There are certain things in this life that are completely and utterly out of our control. It is the same with our babies and families. Yet, why do we beat ourselves up and let our minds be filled with guilt that these things are within our control? I'm asking myself that all the time and I'm sure with my baby it is because I care so much for her and want everything to be okay. I need to learn to rest with the knowledge that I do provide well for my baby, she is loved and greatly cared for. If anyone knows how to beat the guilt, let me know!!
Friday, May 3, 2013
Raising the Future Generation
Right here, right now I am making a vow for my child (and if God blesses us with another/others). I want my girl(s) to know how to appreciate herself and the beauty she has been given. I want her to have positive body image influences and I want her to have a healthy view of herself and the way she treats her body. I want to give her the tools to eat healthy foods and I want her to never beat herself up the way I have beat myself up in the past.
My vow is to never put my body down in front of her. And by doing this, maybe just maybe I'll make a habit of not doing it at all.
I want to be an inspiration to my daughter. I want her to find that I have inspired her to love herself and to take care of herself.
If I can do this for her, why shouldn't I be able to do it for myself? Does this mean that I just let myself go and not care about it? Absolutely not! But, I believe I can make healthy changes now (as I transition from my post-pregnant self) and know that I am doing good things for myself. I can choose healthy food options and moderate my not as healthy ones. I can work out (when I can) and know that my baby is my priority. That by putting her first right now, that I am doing the right thing. I will still have some time for myself. It just may take extra planning and it may not be every day.
And I won't beat myself up for this. I commit to doing what I can. And if I can be an encouragement to other Mommies who want these same things for their children, I want to commit to them as well.
There are a few people who have platforms to preach these things more loudly than I can. I read Reshaping it All by Candace Cameron Bure probably a year and a half ago and I should probably re-read it for a refresher. Bobbie Thomas, the style editor for the TODAY Show is putting out a book about self-esteem and fashion. And then there's Dove's campaign for real beauty. Why don't we all wholeheartedly buy into this kind of advertising and media rather than the ones found more popular by main stream media?
My poor girl will probably hate me for not letting her wear what all her teenage friends will be wearing, but I vow to protect her from her our society's objectifying of young girls and women and I will fight for that cause until the end. May I be an encouragement for real beauty!
My vow is to never put my body down in front of her. And by doing this, maybe just maybe I'll make a habit of not doing it at all.
I want to be an inspiration to my daughter. I want her to find that I have inspired her to love herself and to take care of herself.
If I can do this for her, why shouldn't I be able to do it for myself? Does this mean that I just let myself go and not care about it? Absolutely not! But, I believe I can make healthy changes now (as I transition from my post-pregnant self) and know that I am doing good things for myself. I can choose healthy food options and moderate my not as healthy ones. I can work out (when I can) and know that my baby is my priority. That by putting her first right now, that I am doing the right thing. I will still have some time for myself. It just may take extra planning and it may not be every day.
And I won't beat myself up for this. I commit to doing what I can. And if I can be an encouragement to other Mommies who want these same things for their children, I want to commit to them as well.
There are a few people who have platforms to preach these things more loudly than I can. I read Reshaping it All by Candace Cameron Bure probably a year and a half ago and I should probably re-read it for a refresher. Bobbie Thomas, the style editor for the TODAY Show is putting out a book about self-esteem and fashion. And then there's Dove's campaign for real beauty. Why don't we all wholeheartedly buy into this kind of advertising and media rather than the ones found more popular by main stream media?
My poor girl will probably hate me for not letting her wear what all her teenage friends will be wearing, but I vow to protect her from her our society's objectifying of young girls and women and I will fight for that cause until the end. May I be an encouragement for real beauty!
Monday, April 29, 2013
Are you breastfeeding?
What a loaded question! No matter how it is asked, it can carry such heavy implications that a Mommy could feel incredibly judged. A few interpretations of this question go a little like this in a Mommy's head:
It's just so loaded. Maybe it's because it is such a heated topic and many people feel very strongly one way or another. Throughout my roller coaster ride with breastfeeding, I found I would get a myriad of responses and "encouragements." The most valuable things I was told were sometimes from the least likely of sources. I received sweet messages telling me that I was doing everything I could for my baby and was encouraged to know that many times one has exhausted all resources or gone as far as they can go in this breastfeeding quest. Of course everyone has different thresholds and I believe mine was very high. My bff told me on multiple occasions that she admired me for persevering through the obstacles we faced with nursing and I now believe that she was right.
It took me a while to understand that I am one persistent woman! I fought tooth and nail for baby girl to nurse and I was determined to do it until she was at least 1 year old. Come to find out, she had a different opinion on the matter. Now, being on the other side of it all, I know I have done what is right for my sweet girl. She is much happier, and so am I. There is much less stress revolving around feeding times and she is growing well.
She is now eating bananas, sweet potatoes, oatmeal and has tried avocado. In all the trials, I still come to the same conclusion (and everyone told me this): every baby is different. I didn't truly understand it at first, I just felt like it was one of those phrases that every one just says. But it is true! In all things: eating, sleeping, playing, interacting. Sure, they can have similar tastes and reach milestones at similar times, but they sure are unique. And you know, I am thankful for her uniqueness. We never wanted her to be just like every one else. She is our dear one, after all and we want her to stand out as her own person.....just as she does!
"My baby is a year old, are they asking if I am STILL breastfeeding? As in should I be done?
Did you choose to NOT give your baby what doctors say is the best food for them?
Did I try everything I could to make breastfeeding work for me or did I give up too easily?
Why am I feeling convicted in some way by this question?"
It's just so loaded. Maybe it's because it is such a heated topic and many people feel very strongly one way or another. Throughout my roller coaster ride with breastfeeding, I found I would get a myriad of responses and "encouragements." The most valuable things I was told were sometimes from the least likely of sources. I received sweet messages telling me that I was doing everything I could for my baby and was encouraged to know that many times one has exhausted all resources or gone as far as they can go in this breastfeeding quest. Of course everyone has different thresholds and I believe mine was very high. My bff told me on multiple occasions that she admired me for persevering through the obstacles we faced with nursing and I now believe that she was right.
It took me a while to understand that I am one persistent woman! I fought tooth and nail for baby girl to nurse and I was determined to do it until she was at least 1 year old. Come to find out, she had a different opinion on the matter. Now, being on the other side of it all, I know I have done what is right for my sweet girl. She is much happier, and so am I. There is much less stress revolving around feeding times and she is growing well.
She is now eating bananas, sweet potatoes, oatmeal and has tried avocado. In all the trials, I still come to the same conclusion (and everyone told me this): every baby is different. I didn't truly understand it at first, I just felt like it was one of those phrases that every one just says. But it is true! In all things: eating, sleeping, playing, interacting. Sure, they can have similar tastes and reach milestones at similar times, but they sure are unique. And you know, I am thankful for her uniqueness. We never wanted her to be just like every one else. She is our dear one, after all and we want her to stand out as her own person.....just as she does!
Monday, April 15, 2013
Cry it out?
May I start off this post by stating that I do not believe any one parenting style is superior to any other.
In my opinion, there are babies who can cry it out and ones who can't. In that same token, I think there are parents who can let their babies cry it out and those who can't. I also have found that some babies respond to different things a different stages in their lives.
In my limited knowledge of what babies do and prior to having one of my own, I thought the labor and delivery of having a baby would be the most difficult part, that we would bring her home and that she would respond to me. I thought I would be able to solve all problems, that just my voice or my touch would calm her. Little did I understand that she would have a mind of her own and that sometimes that mind would make up for herself what she needs and what she doesn't need.
So, when she was a newborn, I thought she needed to cry it out in order to go through whatever it was she needed to go through. Yet, we found out really quickly that she would not be crying it out, but rather would work herself up to a sweaty, irate mess. So we stopped letting her cry and began to help her soothe when she was upset.
As many of you have read, we then began having sleep problems....for 3 MONTHS!!
All of a sudden, about a week and a half ago, she would wake up and play and fuss a little...not cry. Sometimes there would be an outburst here and there but a lot of times there would just be "talking" or fussing. One night she rolled around in her crib talk-fussing and we decided to see what would happen. She did this for about 30 minutes and then went back to sleep! So we started trying that a little more often and sometimes it actually works! I believe this is our level of "cry it out" and it hasn't always been a capability for our little one.
So I am of the mind that you can have a cry it out baby at one stage and not at another. For example, this morning at 6, she was actively crying for 10 minutes with no intermission of fussing or talking, so I got her out of her crib and put her in bed with me. We slept for another hour and 15 minutes. I don't think she would have gone back to sleep on her own and she was not ready to get up for the day. At 7:30, she was and we started our day.
All this to say, if you're frustrated by others supporting one way or another and thinking your baby should be able to do "this", you simply (which is never really simple) must follow what your baby will tolerate. I do believe we will have to break some things/habits eventually because we have one strong-willed child...but you can not reason with a newborn or infant and sometimes you need to do what you need to do to get by.
{I'm happy to report that our sleep has improved slightly and we are hopeful that we will continue on this path at least for a little bit - although we are in the midst of the teething battle and are experiencing some extra fussiness and crying than usual.}
Be encouraged, dear friends who experience sleep troubles. I am a pessimist who sometimes has trouble seeing the light, but I am here to tell you that there will be light!
In my opinion, there are babies who can cry it out and ones who can't. In that same token, I think there are parents who can let their babies cry it out and those who can't. I also have found that some babies respond to different things a different stages in their lives.
In my limited knowledge of what babies do and prior to having one of my own, I thought the labor and delivery of having a baby would be the most difficult part, that we would bring her home and that she would respond to me. I thought I would be able to solve all problems, that just my voice or my touch would calm her. Little did I understand that she would have a mind of her own and that sometimes that mind would make up for herself what she needs and what she doesn't need.
So, when she was a newborn, I thought she needed to cry it out in order to go through whatever it was she needed to go through. Yet, we found out really quickly that she would not be crying it out, but rather would work herself up to a sweaty, irate mess. So we stopped letting her cry and began to help her soothe when she was upset.
As many of you have read, we then began having sleep problems....for 3 MONTHS!!
All of a sudden, about a week and a half ago, she would wake up and play and fuss a little...not cry. Sometimes there would be an outburst here and there but a lot of times there would just be "talking" or fussing. One night she rolled around in her crib talk-fussing and we decided to see what would happen. She did this for about 30 minutes and then went back to sleep! So we started trying that a little more often and sometimes it actually works! I believe this is our level of "cry it out" and it hasn't always been a capability for our little one.
So I am of the mind that you can have a cry it out baby at one stage and not at another. For example, this morning at 6, she was actively crying for 10 minutes with no intermission of fussing or talking, so I got her out of her crib and put her in bed with me. We slept for another hour and 15 minutes. I don't think she would have gone back to sleep on her own and she was not ready to get up for the day. At 7:30, she was and we started our day.
All this to say, if you're frustrated by others supporting one way or another and thinking your baby should be able to do "this", you simply (which is never really simple) must follow what your baby will tolerate. I do believe we will have to break some things/habits eventually because we have one strong-willed child...but you can not reason with a newborn or infant and sometimes you need to do what you need to do to get by.
{I'm happy to report that our sleep has improved slightly and we are hopeful that we will continue on this path at least for a little bit - although we are in the midst of the teething battle and are experiencing some extra fussiness and crying than usual.}
Be encouraged, dear friends who experience sleep troubles. I am a pessimist who sometimes has trouble seeing the light, but I am here to tell you that there will be light!
Thursday, April 11, 2013
How did we get here?
When baby girl was a newborn, I could not imagine how people went anywhere with their babies. Being able to go to the store or shopping or to events with my baby was the furthest thing from what I thought I was capable of doing.
I am here to tell you that it is possible to leave the house with a baby. It was Christmas time and I was depressed that I was unable to do Christmas shopping in the way I normally get to shop. I could not imagine having the ability to pack up the baby and all her belongings and go out for some Mommy-daughter shopping time. But a few months ago, I did it. Without thinking. I packed up the stroller and the baby and we went to the outlets. We nursed and changed diapers in the car and then walked the outlets. And it was lovely. It made me feel more human than I had felt in months.
If anyone had asked me in December if I would ever go shopping again, I would have answered no and probably teared up, scared I would be trapped in my house for the rest of my life...or at least until my baby was a year old plus.
I think it is all part of that adjustment period (however long that lasts) and I'm sure there will be many more adjustment periods along the way. I am thankful to have some flexibility in getting out. I am also happy to report that we go for walks regularly around the neighborhood.
I hope I can encourage new Moms that even though you don't feel like you can have some freedom from the confines of your houses (and even though you probably won't believe me when I say that I've been in your shoes), that you will find freedom as long as you are willing to go for it. Packing up the diaper bag and all the things you have to tote along with you when a baby is involved will become routine.
Happy exploring with your babies!
I am here to tell you that it is possible to leave the house with a baby. It was Christmas time and I was depressed that I was unable to do Christmas shopping in the way I normally get to shop. I could not imagine having the ability to pack up the baby and all her belongings and go out for some Mommy-daughter shopping time. But a few months ago, I did it. Without thinking. I packed up the stroller and the baby and we went to the outlets. We nursed and changed diapers in the car and then walked the outlets. And it was lovely. It made me feel more human than I had felt in months.
If anyone had asked me in December if I would ever go shopping again, I would have answered no and probably teared up, scared I would be trapped in my house for the rest of my life...or at least until my baby was a year old plus.
I think it is all part of that adjustment period (however long that lasts) and I'm sure there will be many more adjustment periods along the way. I am thankful to have some flexibility in getting out. I am also happy to report that we go for walks regularly around the neighborhood.
I hope I can encourage new Moms that even though you don't feel like you can have some freedom from the confines of your houses (and even though you probably won't believe me when I say that I've been in your shoes), that you will find freedom as long as you are willing to go for it. Packing up the diaper bag and all the things you have to tote along with you when a baby is involved will become routine.
Happy exploring with your babies!
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Hidden Blessings
It seems it has been one thing after another. I by no means truly intend this blog to become a place of complaining so I am devoting this post to reporting the blessings.
So recently, I was driving with a friend and my baby girl and we were rear ended. Thankfully, we were in a slow moving part of town so the person that hit us was not going very fast. It was terrifying! I jumped out and told the guy that there was a baby in the car and I proceeded to get her out of the car and just hold her for the next couple hours. Everything was fine and I am SO thankful that my baby girl wasn't hurt and that things were not worse.
Yesterday, my husband sent me a text message saying he was waiting on some police officers because he had clipped a parked car pulling out of a parking lot. In the end it wasn't a big deal, the police said they would take care of it and it turned out not to be a big deal. Thankful.
Last week, I was with my parents at their house while my husband traveled for work. I asked my friends and anyone who cared for prayer for all the sleep troubles we have had lately. I felt my prayers were going unheard, we did not get any more sleep and then my parents took turns sleeping in the room with baby girl and I finally got to sleep a little.
I am still holding out that God will hear my cries and will teach my sweet girl to sleep (even if that is 2 years from now), but for now I will be thankful that He keeps reminding me of the blessings I may not see right away.
I know the things that cause us discomfort could be so much worse and I am beyond thankful for a healthy baby, healthy family members (no cancer!), financial stability and an amazing husband who looks out for me all the time!! It by no means lessens the fact that what we are going through is difficult, but it sure does put in to perspective that it could be much more difficult.
So recently, I was driving with a friend and my baby girl and we were rear ended. Thankfully, we were in a slow moving part of town so the person that hit us was not going very fast. It was terrifying! I jumped out and told the guy that there was a baby in the car and I proceeded to get her out of the car and just hold her for the next couple hours. Everything was fine and I am SO thankful that my baby girl wasn't hurt and that things were not worse.
Yesterday, my husband sent me a text message saying he was waiting on some police officers because he had clipped a parked car pulling out of a parking lot. In the end it wasn't a big deal, the police said they would take care of it and it turned out not to be a big deal. Thankful.
Last week, I was with my parents at their house while my husband traveled for work. I asked my friends and anyone who cared for prayer for all the sleep troubles we have had lately. I felt my prayers were going unheard, we did not get any more sleep and then my parents took turns sleeping in the room with baby girl and I finally got to sleep a little.
I am still holding out that God will hear my cries and will teach my sweet girl to sleep (even if that is 2 years from now), but for now I will be thankful that He keeps reminding me of the blessings I may not see right away.
I know the things that cause us discomfort could be so much worse and I am beyond thankful for a healthy baby, healthy family members (no cancer!), financial stability and an amazing husband who looks out for me all the time!! It by no means lessens the fact that what we are going through is difficult, but it sure does put in to perspective that it could be much more difficult.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Who is Responsible Here?
I have been doing a LOT of reading on sleep for a long time....probably since before baby girl was even born (think possibly up to a year ago). So I have taken it upon myself to make sure I am doing everything I can to make all the circumstances right for optimal sleep for both myself and my husband and for this little bundle. Books, articles, magazines, newsletters, you name it...I've read it.
Yet, we are not sleeping. What am I doing wrong? I've gone over everything in my mind and everything everyone else suggests and could question myself for the rest of my life as to what I could do better to improve the sleep situation.
...BUT!
I am NOT the one responsible here! I have to believe that I have done everything I can to create the best environment for healthy sleep for all. It doesn't matter what other people suggest, we have tried everything we think is best and it just doesn't matter. We are taking care of our baby girl and she is not hungry, not dirty, not cold or hot....just tired. And won't sleep.
And please don't say "this too shall pass" because in the sleep deprived moments (which are all the time), that doesn't matter a hill of beans to me. Someone told me recently that you just get through it. You do what you have to do and you get through it. That sure helped me feel a little better than "this too shall pass"
enter a pause to go settle my baby who won't sleep
Lesson being learned here: I am doing my best and am only responsible for the things I can actually control. After all, you can't make a baby sleep. I am still convincing myself of this, I'm not a firm believer just yet...but maybe I'll get there.
Happy sleeping to all of you who actually get to sleep....know that I am beyond jealous (I don't think words can even describe it).
Yet, we are not sleeping. What am I doing wrong? I've gone over everything in my mind and everything everyone else suggests and could question myself for the rest of my life as to what I could do better to improve the sleep situation.
...BUT!
I am NOT the one responsible here! I have to believe that I have done everything I can to create the best environment for healthy sleep for all. It doesn't matter what other people suggest, we have tried everything we think is best and it just doesn't matter. We are taking care of our baby girl and she is not hungry, not dirty, not cold or hot....just tired. And won't sleep.
And please don't say "this too shall pass" because in the sleep deprived moments (which are all the time), that doesn't matter a hill of beans to me. Someone told me recently that you just get through it. You do what you have to do and you get through it. That sure helped me feel a little better than "this too shall pass"
enter a pause to go settle my baby who won't sleep
Lesson being learned here: I am doing my best and am only responsible for the things I can actually control. After all, you can't make a baby sleep. I am still convincing myself of this, I'm not a firm believer just yet...but maybe I'll get there.
Happy sleeping to all of you who actually get to sleep....know that I am beyond jealous (I don't think words can even describe it).
Monday, March 25, 2013
Werewolves
I never knew this about myself until the past week or so....I become an entirely different person at night. I have always known that I am not a morning person, nor do I handle being awake without a certain number of hours of sleep well. My body does not respond well to lack of sleep and I usually end up sick at some point after prolonged sleep deprivation.
So I've discovered that not only do I feel horrible emotionally and physically without sleep, but I also turn in to a werewolf. Not physically...but I have the attitude of a werewolf in the middle of the night. No full moon needed. This is on a nightly basis it seems.
I find myself ashamed in the light of day at how outwardly frustrated I become with my sweet baby girl in the middle (or not so middle) of the night. I pray for relief of this attitude and have yet to experience it as I'm dealing with the mental and physical fight that comes with sleep deprivation. I wonder.....when it comes to matters of sleep, how long can one function on next to no sleep? So far, we are going on say 2 months, but REALLY little sleep for about a month.
I can't imagine how my husband feels. He has to get up and go to work while I stay home. He tells me over and over that what I do is work and I believe him, but somehow it feels different that he has to get up at 5:30, get dressed, drive to work, work all day and then drive home to a house that is not picked up, not cleaned, no dinner is fixed or even in the works. Bless his heart. I believe he will be rewarded in heaven for his patience and loving kindness.
Lesson I am learning from all this - other than the fact that my husband is basically a saint - I have yet to find out. I hope to look back and understand, but I also hope I forget how miserable my nights have been.
So I've discovered that not only do I feel horrible emotionally and physically without sleep, but I also turn in to a werewolf. Not physically...but I have the attitude of a werewolf in the middle of the night. No full moon needed. This is on a nightly basis it seems.
I find myself ashamed in the light of day at how outwardly frustrated I become with my sweet baby girl in the middle (or not so middle) of the night. I pray for relief of this attitude and have yet to experience it as I'm dealing with the mental and physical fight that comes with sleep deprivation. I wonder.....when it comes to matters of sleep, how long can one function on next to no sleep? So far, we are going on say 2 months, but REALLY little sleep for about a month.
I can't imagine how my husband feels. He has to get up and go to work while I stay home. He tells me over and over that what I do is work and I believe him, but somehow it feels different that he has to get up at 5:30, get dressed, drive to work, work all day and then drive home to a house that is not picked up, not cleaned, no dinner is fixed or even in the works. Bless his heart. I believe he will be rewarded in heaven for his patience and loving kindness.
Lesson I am learning from all this - other than the fact that my husband is basically a saint - I have yet to find out. I hope to look back and understand, but I also hope I forget how miserable my nights have been.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Sleep Matters
This can be read two ways: first, that it matters to be able to sleep; second, that we are dealing with matters of sleep. Both meanings are true for us. We are in the middle of week 3 of sleeping no more than 2 or 3 consecutive hours. And we are near the end of the second month of really disturbed sleep patterns. Baby girl was once sleeping for 4 or 5 hour stretches, waking up to nurse and sleeping for 5 or 6 more. This happened for at least a month or so, but ever since she was 3 months old, that no longer exists for us.
A typical night looks like this:
7-7:15 Put her to bed for the night
8:45ish Go in, pat her on the back, give her the pacifier, turn back on side if needed
9:30 Same
10:45-11ish Give her the pacifier, turn her on her tummy if she will let you, pat on the back or booty
12:30 Pacifier, back on tummy or side, pat on the back
12:45 Same
Sometimes she will go back to sleep for a couple hours so somewhere in between 1 and 4 she will nurse and go back to sleep.
Most nights/mornings she is then awake around 4 or 5 to be put back to sleep and will sleep until 7 or so.
My sweet husband, lovingly gets up and takes turns with me, changing her diaper before he gives her to me to nurse. He does this in spite of the fact that he has a long commute to work and works all day only to come home and make dinner and do the night time stuff all over again.
Everything I have read tells me that sleep is very important for babies to grow properly and such. All the books give suggestions of how to get your baby to sleep better. I believe we are trying everything that we can think of to try and help baby girl sleep....it is not working. Last night, though, my wonderful husband sweetly took the monitor without my knowing and went in to do nightly baby duty. He was up for a few hours in her room, trying to disrupt the pattern of her waking up every 30-45 minutes and was letting me sleep through most of it.
Both of us are running on fumes and are constantly in prayer about this matter. We don't really know what else to do, but to keep trying. There is no crying it out because our sweet little one is very persistent and will only make herself sweaty and hoarse if she is left to cry even for a few minutes. We've read Babywise, the Baby Whisperer, the No-Cry Sleep Solution and anything you can find online. We are resigned to keep on keeping on and I pray that this does not last much longer so that we can begin to feel more rested soon.
A typical night looks like this:
7-7:15 Put her to bed for the night
8:45ish Go in, pat her on the back, give her the pacifier, turn back on side if needed
9:30 Same
10:45-11ish Give her the pacifier, turn her on her tummy if she will let you, pat on the back or booty
12:30 Pacifier, back on tummy or side, pat on the back
12:45 Same
Sometimes she will go back to sleep for a couple hours so somewhere in between 1 and 4 she will nurse and go back to sleep.
Most nights/mornings she is then awake around 4 or 5 to be put back to sleep and will sleep until 7 or so.
My sweet husband, lovingly gets up and takes turns with me, changing her diaper before he gives her to me to nurse. He does this in spite of the fact that he has a long commute to work and works all day only to come home and make dinner and do the night time stuff all over again.
Everything I have read tells me that sleep is very important for babies to grow properly and such. All the books give suggestions of how to get your baby to sleep better. I believe we are trying everything that we can think of to try and help baby girl sleep....it is not working. Last night, though, my wonderful husband sweetly took the monitor without my knowing and went in to do nightly baby duty. He was up for a few hours in her room, trying to disrupt the pattern of her waking up every 30-45 minutes and was letting me sleep through most of it.
Both of us are running on fumes and are constantly in prayer about this matter. We don't really know what else to do, but to keep trying. There is no crying it out because our sweet little one is very persistent and will only make herself sweaty and hoarse if she is left to cry even for a few minutes. We've read Babywise, the Baby Whisperer, the No-Cry Sleep Solution and anything you can find online. We are resigned to keep on keeping on and I pray that this does not last much longer so that we can begin to feel more rested soon.
I don't know who originally coined the phrase, but I am learning that I am not as weak as I once was."Sleep is for the weak."
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Breastfeeding Woes
From about minute one of her life, my sweet girl latched on and nursed really well! The whole time we were in the hospital, she nursed what seemed like constantly. I came home good and sore and we pretty much knew what to do. About one month in, I was still hurting and she began getting fussy while nursing. I thought she was too young for a nursing strike and we were also dealing with some intestinal issues (which we later found out was partly from her receiving antibiotics after birth). The books I read lead me to believe I had an oversupply so I began pumping.
3 weeks later, I didn't have enough. She was very fussy and I couldn't keep up. I began using my stored milk from my overproduction days to supplement my nursing and eventually, my stockpile was depleted. Throughout this time, I mourned my loss of nursing because it seemed inevitable that the end was near. Each time I fed her, I nursed first and she might only nurse for 3 minutes on each side and then she would fuss because she was still hungry and I would give her formula.
Fast forward to 3 months old and we were still nursing at every feeding and then supplementing after. I began to notice that her upper lip did not come out to nurse as well as her lower lip did and I began researching tongue ties. I spoke with a lactation consultant and my pediatrician and neither thought we were dealing with one, but I wasn't convinced. I had been drinking lactation tea, one beer at night (supposedly helps with production), eating oatmeal and trying to eat the foods that boost milk production. I didn't understand why it seemed my body was not responding. I was heart broken.
When she was about 4 months old, I met with another lactation consultant that I found through a breastfeeding support group on facebook (who says facebook doesn't have some redeeming qualities, after all) who suspected a tongue tie and recommended we see a pediatric dentist in Jacksonville. I am still nursing and supplementing. We met with him, he confirmed the tongue tie - on top and bottom and he performed the frenectomy on her mouth. He encouraged me to exclusively nurse as often as possible to try to get my supply back up and her mouth acclimated to nursing more efficiently.
So here we are...she is almost 5 months old and we are still nursing - Praise God! I was not ready to give it up completely and somehow she is becoming more patient and my body seems to be making enough milk to satisfy her at most feedings. We have started some oatmeal and she is slowly but surely eating it from a spoon. I'm still giving her at least one bottle of formula a day but I now acknowledge that formula is not the evil I once thought it was. I have no idea how long we will get to nurse, but I am thankful for each day that we get to spend that sweet time together.
I am more than whole heartedly apologetic to those I once silently judged for not breastfeeding. I now know first hand that there can be a myriad of circumstances that can lead a Mommy to need to use formula. Because ultimately, we aren't good Mommies if we let our babies go hungry because we are too proud to use formula. I have learned that first hand. I have also felt the devastation that comes from the feeling of not being able to nurture your baby in the way you intend and desire to nurture her. I truly feel for all the Mothers who could not breast feed for as long as they desired and I applaud each one who has endured hardship for the cause of nursing!
I also dealt with inadequacy regarding my ability or inability to provide for my baby girl. I have battled with feelings of deep sadness and hopelessness. I have felt like I am not a good Mother because I couldn't completely satisfy my baby's hunger and I have come out on the other side, knowing that I am providing for her in every way. It may not look like what I thought it would look like, but she is happy, healthy, full, clean and most of all LOVED!
This was probably way too long. Thanks for reading.
3 weeks later, I didn't have enough. She was very fussy and I couldn't keep up. I began using my stored milk from my overproduction days to supplement my nursing and eventually, my stockpile was depleted. Throughout this time, I mourned my loss of nursing because it seemed inevitable that the end was near. Each time I fed her, I nursed first and she might only nurse for 3 minutes on each side and then she would fuss because she was still hungry and I would give her formula.
Fast forward to 3 months old and we were still nursing at every feeding and then supplementing after. I began to notice that her upper lip did not come out to nurse as well as her lower lip did and I began researching tongue ties. I spoke with a lactation consultant and my pediatrician and neither thought we were dealing with one, but I wasn't convinced. I had been drinking lactation tea, one beer at night (supposedly helps with production), eating oatmeal and trying to eat the foods that boost milk production. I didn't understand why it seemed my body was not responding. I was heart broken.
When she was about 4 months old, I met with another lactation consultant that I found through a breastfeeding support group on facebook (who says facebook doesn't have some redeeming qualities, after all) who suspected a tongue tie and recommended we see a pediatric dentist in Jacksonville. I am still nursing and supplementing. We met with him, he confirmed the tongue tie - on top and bottom and he performed the frenectomy on her mouth. He encouraged me to exclusively nurse as often as possible to try to get my supply back up and her mouth acclimated to nursing more efficiently.
So here we are...she is almost 5 months old and we are still nursing - Praise God! I was not ready to give it up completely and somehow she is becoming more patient and my body seems to be making enough milk to satisfy her at most feedings. We have started some oatmeal and she is slowly but surely eating it from a spoon. I'm still giving her at least one bottle of formula a day but I now acknowledge that formula is not the evil I once thought it was. I have no idea how long we will get to nurse, but I am thankful for each day that we get to spend that sweet time together.
I am more than whole heartedly apologetic to those I once silently judged for not breastfeeding. I now know first hand that there can be a myriad of circumstances that can lead a Mommy to need to use formula. Because ultimately, we aren't good Mommies if we let our babies go hungry because we are too proud to use formula. I have learned that first hand. I have also felt the devastation that comes from the feeling of not being able to nurture your baby in the way you intend and desire to nurture her. I truly feel for all the Mothers who could not breast feed for as long as they desired and I applaud each one who has endured hardship for the cause of nursing!
I also dealt with inadequacy regarding my ability or inability to provide for my baby girl. I have battled with feelings of deep sadness and hopelessness. I have felt like I am not a good Mother because I couldn't completely satisfy my baby's hunger and I have come out on the other side, knowing that I am providing for her in every way. It may not look like what I thought it would look like, but she is happy, healthy, full, clean and most of all LOVED!
This was probably way too long. Thanks for reading.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
I forgot...
I should have mentioned that as I post these things, there is no need for concern. I have come out of that place of adjustment and have mostly embraced all that there is to this new life I have. :) My sweet girl is wonderful and the only thing I still really struggle with is the little sleep I get these days - especially considering I am such a sleep lover.
In the beginning...
This is the beginning of my new blog. Who knows who will actually read it, but I think it will help me to "share" my thoughts and discoveries as a Mom.
Becoming a Mother, which is still a very odd realization, has been by far the most difficult adjustment I have ever had to make. I've had my share of adjustments, mind you. Adjustments such as moving to a new state my junior year of high school, going away to college, getting married and having a traveling husband.
Women, doctors and others use the term "post-partum depression" but I think it can be classified as more of an adjustment disorder. There's this thing you want so badly and you have such high expectations for it, you read every book, eat everything you should, make all the appropriate preparations for this wonderful thing. Then you have your baby and are immersed in this life that is nothing like the books, it seems your prep work was done in vain and you have NO idea how to justify the life you had, the one you were expecting and the one you now have. The first thing I successfully learned about being a Mother is that you can not rely on your expectations.
Other posts to come....dealing with sleep (or the lack thereof), breastfeeding adventures (and woes), determining what is best for YOU and YOUR baby vs. what other people say is best....
Becoming a Mother, which is still a very odd realization, has been by far the most difficult adjustment I have ever had to make. I've had my share of adjustments, mind you. Adjustments such as moving to a new state my junior year of high school, going away to college, getting married and having a traveling husband.
Women, doctors and others use the term "post-partum depression" but I think it can be classified as more of an adjustment disorder. There's this thing you want so badly and you have such high expectations for it, you read every book, eat everything you should, make all the appropriate preparations for this wonderful thing. Then you have your baby and are immersed in this life that is nothing like the books, it seems your prep work was done in vain and you have NO idea how to justify the life you had, the one you were expecting and the one you now have. The first thing I successfully learned about being a Mother is that you can not rely on your expectations.
Other posts to come....dealing with sleep (or the lack thereof), breastfeeding adventures (and woes), determining what is best for YOU and YOUR baby vs. what other people say is best....
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