Because it's what others aren't saying...

It's Halloween and we are trick-or-treating with a child for the first time this year. See, last year, we had a 2 week old and were not even close to braving the streets or even putting her in a costume. I wasn't really even sure if I could walk to the end of the driveway by myself.

*This is not standard for all new moms. But for some reason, I was a worry wort, a scared Susie and a nervous Nelly.*

Tonight, however, my little bumble bee is going to join forces with her best friend bumble bee and they are going to swarm the neighborhood! It is likely, that said bumble bees will not get to enjoy much of their loot, but I believe it will still be a fun experience for them nonetheless.

Back in July, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. Which means my thyroid is under active and therefore I have been having trouble losing the last of my baby weight, have been exhausted and a few other lovely symptoms. I have been on medication since July and I don't seem to be feeling any different. I have still have not been able to lose weight and I have the constant feeling of being bloated (*think first trimester of pregnancy, before you start to show when your clothes just don't fit right and feel very uncomfortable).

I am currently visiting a few doctors to try to get things regulated and I'm hopeful that in the very near future I will start to feel better.

My first thought about this is that I never thought I would be diagnosed with something I would have to address for the rest of my life before I turn 30! Then, it makes sense why I haven't been able to lose these last few pounds of baby weight.

But then....I really try to put the whole weight and thinness thing away. I know my struggles through the years and some of that is natural, but I don't want to pass any unnecessary weight or body image issue to my sweet girl. And! I want to be okay with myself. I don't want my shape or weight to define me. There are so many more important things in life than getting caught up in these things. Still, you can't help how you feel, right? So this is my battle. It is like a cul-de-sac that I keep going around. I have moments when I can get past these thoughts, and then there are those moments when I just feel so self-defeating. I hate those moments. They are not helpful. Because the truth is, I walk at least 30 minutes every day, I drink lots of water and eat healthy foods. Sure, I indulge in small treats, but I do not gorge myself. I do not eat fast food, fried foods or tons of sugar. I enjoy an alcoholic beverage, but not in excess.

I do not have time to kill it at the gym. I just won't let that become the priority over my daughter. I do what I can and take pretty good care of myself. Why should I beat myself up for the things I can not control? And why should I find my value in the number on my scale or the size of my jeans?
I am defined by so much more! I am a mother, a wife, a Christ follower and so much more. I am good at many things and I am so much more than my clothes or my size. My baby girl is so special and she and my husband alone are more than enough to fill the places of my mind that get boggled down by my preoccupation with my size. They are the most important, but there are also many other facets of my life that are special to me.

But, here's the catch. Even though I am stating the truth and putting it all out there, I often have trouble believing these truths.

But as I sit here, I vow to believe it. I will likely come back to this place over and over in the course of my life and my prayer is that health becomes much more of a priority in my mind than size. I pray that size loses its luster and that the other, much more important things of life take up the fore front of my mind.

Thanks for reading. And if you're the praying type, pray that I can be the Mother worthy of Emmy's love, the wife worthy of my husband's devotion, and that I can ignore these unhelpful, unlovely thoughts about myself and in their place that I can and will believe the things that are actually true of myself.