Breastfeeding Woes

From about minute one of her life, my sweet girl latched on and nursed really well! The whole time we were in the hospital, she nursed what seemed like constantly. I came home good and sore and we pretty much knew what to do. About one month in, I was still hurting and she began getting fussy while nursing. I thought she was too young for a nursing strike and we were also dealing with some intestinal issues (which we later found out was partly from her receiving antibiotics after birth). The books I read lead me to believe I had an oversupply so I began pumping.

3 weeks later, I didn't have enough. She was very fussy and I couldn't keep up. I began using my stored milk from my overproduction days to supplement my nursing and eventually, my stockpile was depleted. Throughout this time, I mourned my loss of nursing because it seemed inevitable that the end was near. Each time I fed her, I nursed first and she might only nurse for 3 minutes on each side and then she would fuss because she was still hungry and I would give her formula.

Fast forward to 3 months old and we were still nursing at every feeding and then supplementing after. I began to notice that her upper lip did not come out to nurse as well as her lower lip did and I began researching tongue ties. I spoke with a lactation consultant and my pediatrician and neither thought we were dealing with one, but I wasn't convinced. I had been drinking lactation tea, one beer at night (supposedly helps with production), eating oatmeal and trying to eat the foods that boost milk production. I didn't understand why it seemed my body was not responding. I was heart broken.

When she was about 4 months old, I met with another lactation consultant that I found through a breastfeeding support group on facebook (who says facebook doesn't have some redeeming qualities, after all) who suspected a tongue tie and recommended we see a pediatric dentist in Jacksonville. I am still nursing and supplementing. We met with him, he confirmed the tongue tie - on top and bottom and he performed the frenectomy on her mouth. He encouraged me to exclusively nurse as often as possible to try to get my supply back up and her mouth acclimated to nursing more efficiently.

So here we are...she is almost 5 months old and we are still nursing - Praise God! I was not ready to give it up completely and somehow she is becoming more patient and my body seems to be making enough milk to satisfy her at most feedings. We have started some oatmeal and she is slowly but surely eating it from a spoon. I'm still giving her at least one bottle of formula a day but I now acknowledge that formula is not the evil I once thought it was. I have no idea how long we will get to nurse, but I am thankful for each day that we get to spend that sweet time together.

I am more than whole heartedly apologetic to those I once silently judged for not breastfeeding. I now know first hand that there can be a myriad of circumstances that can lead a Mommy to need to use formula. Because ultimately, we aren't good Mommies if we let our babies go hungry because we are too proud to use formula. I have learned that first hand. I have also felt the devastation that comes from the feeling of not being able to nurture your baby in the way you intend and desire to nurture her. I truly feel for all the Mothers who could not breast feed for as long as they desired and I applaud each one who has endured hardship for the cause of nursing!

I also dealt with inadequacy regarding my ability or inability to provide for my baby girl. I have battled with feelings of deep sadness and hopelessness. I have felt like I am not a good Mother because I couldn't completely satisfy my baby's hunger and I have come out on the other side, knowing that I am providing for her in every way. It may not look like what I thought it would look like, but she is happy, healthy, full, clean and most of all LOVED!

This was probably way too long. Thanks for reading.